Losing Losers

*swallows hard* Soccer practice is tonight at 8 o'clock. Not only is Ben-from-class on my team, so is Josh-from-class and all Josh-from-class's awesome siblings (at least the high-school-aged ones). Their family is insanely talented in soccer, and Ben isn't a bad goalie himself, so I think we have a really good team even though I don't know who else is on the team. Except me. But I hardly count. I don't do anything stupid, but I'm not really good either, so I'm kind of like a 0. I don't subract from the team's goodness, but I don't add to it either.

I am so nervous. This is gonna be horrible. The coach is gonna make us run suicides or something and I'm gonna finish dead last and then throw up or something. Omg, this is so awful. Why did I even sign up for soccer? I'm so out of shape. This is awful. Oh my gosh. *MOAN*

*clears throat* Well, um, on a lighter note, I just finished watching 17 Again. I really love that movie. Every other line is a LOL, and the moral of the story is great. If you can get past the billions of inuendos, lol ;) Luckily Lizzy doesn't pick up on half of it, or I'd feel really creepy watching it with her. That's why I didn't want her coming with me to see it in the theater. I was so glad my mom hadn't made me take her, too. I wouldn't have been able to enjoy the movie knowing my impressionable little sister was watching in the next seat.

I did the 16 pages of pre-class biology today. I love the science book. It's written by the same guy as last year's was. The way he phrases things is really easy to understand, but it's still complicated stuff so I feel like I've actually learned something when I'm finished.

After school starts tomorrow, I might not be able to post as often. I'm not sure. I'd still like to post every day, and I'll try, but I'm not sure how hard this year is going to be. We'll just have to see.

In honor of school starting tomorrow, let me post a quick class "cast" and an unfair stereotype to them to help you follow me if I start using names.

1. Me - The Bigmouth
2. Ben - The Dare Devil
3. Tori - The Pretty One
4. Josh - The Nice Guy
5. Amanda - The Normal One
6. Kirsten - The Genius
7. Chris - The Clown
8. Jessie - The Good One
9. David - The Youngest
10. Alex -
11. Cassidy -

Yeah, that's our class. Alex (she's a girl) and Cassidy are new this year, so I don't know about them yet.

Writing that list almost made me cry. Know why? Because two very, very, VERY important people aren't on it. Ellie B and Taylor (he's a guy) aren't going to be in class this year. Y'all "know" Ellie. She's a follower and one of my best friends. She's been going to my school since 7th grade. We've started school together every year since middle school. She's awesome. She's part of the class.

And she won't be there this year.

Taylor goes back wayyy farther. We've known each other since we were five (wow, a whole decade), and done school together since we were like seven. We've both been going to THIS school since fifth grade, and every year as long as I can really remember, he's been in my class. We aren't amazing friends or anything, we don't even talk to each other that much. But we're exactly alike. EXACTLY ALIKE. I honestly can't imagine school without him there, asking the question I was opening my mouth to ask, finishing my sentence, giving me the word I was looking for when I'm talking, making the same stupid mistakes as me in math, helping me remember what I was going to say even though I hadn't said it, glancing at each other when someone says something stupid.

I don't mean to get all...memory-lane on you guys, but...all the sudden, it feels really wrong to be starting school without him. It'll be like half the class is gone, not to mention half my brain. We don't like each other all that much, we never talk, don't each lunch together, don't even see each other outside of class, but I'm really gonna miss him. Way more than I ever imagined. In some ways, more than Ellie. I'll still call Ellie and talk to her like every day, and we'll get together sometimes, but Taylor...I might never really see him again.

I don't know what to do about that. It's not like I want to hang out with him, it's just that I feel like I shouldn't be starting school without him. He's always been there, and I kind of figured he always would be.

Gosh, I hate this. I hate it when people leave that you never even knew you cared anything about. You know how whenever I get an email or Facebook fill-out and the question is "What are you most afraid of?" I always put "losing people"? Well, this is why.

I HATE this. Why can't everyone just stay where they are forever? What is so great about changing, growing up, being a LOSER and LEAVING? What is the deal?

*sigh*

I guess I'm done posting. Sorry for ranting.

Soccer in 2 hours and forty-nine minutes.

Carpe diem. You never know who's gonna just not show up next year.

Change

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a few days! It's just been kind of busy, and I haven't felt like posting.

Today was fun! Daniel (14), Emily (12), and Caleb (10) came over to swim in the lake. Unfortuantely, it rained a lot, so at first we were trapped inside playing Monopoly (that lasted about ten minutes), and Break the Safe (we actually made it through the whole game). After lunch, we went down to the lake, and had LOTS of fun. We flipped the giant tube over, and played king of the hill a little. I barely played. I figure my chances of winning were slim and none since I can't even knock Matt ("little brother", age almost-13) off anymore. I did knock Caleb off once, though. Watching big-brother-little-brother interaction is always kind of hard for me, but I like it still. It just reminds me of how things used to be, and how things have changed.

It was just a lot of fun. I love hanging out with them.

Other than that, I've been keeping my room pretty clean (I know, I know, I marked THAT day on the calender), packing my new pink and charcoal backpack with school stuff, and reading "Beowulf", which I should have started earlier. Like, maybe seventh grade. It's amazing how much the English language has changed over the years.

The old English isn't too bad to read, not after Shakespeare last year, but the names are awful! I can't pronounce but three of them, and almost all of them begin with H! Haelfdene, Halga, Hrothgar, Heorogar, Heoro, the list go on and freakin' on! It's crazy! *moan* But I'm gettin' through it. Somehow.

"The W Chronicles" character sketches and outlines are going pretty well. I'm starting to really like Tyler (she's a girl, just so you know). She's kind of a cool character. I'm also trying not to start crushing on my own guy characters. *sigh* That tends to happen kind of a lot. Not really with Darren, surprisingly. He's more of a brother-feeling character to me. Paige is more of a daughter almost. The character (of my own) that I had the biggest crush on was this guy named Jayden. Man, he was awesome. I mean, the writing isn't anything amazing, I just really love his character. That hasn't changed over the years. I still fall for the same kind of character.

I'm listening to "Had a Bad Day", chipmunk version. Love it.

I'm also reading the first Harry Potter (have I said that before?). Honestly, so far, I don't even like it. I'm on chapter, like, three, but I just can't get into it. It's too cartoony and I can't stand Harry. Maybe it'll get better as I read on. It's weird, though, because this used to be the kind of thing I'd just eat up. Guess I've changed...

Now I'm watching Michael Jackson's Thriller video. The special effects are so good considering how old this thing is. Haha, I love the part where I flashes over to the theater, and everyone is cringing except Michael, who's eating popcorn and grinning. Lols :) And I love the part where he asks, "You were scared, weren't you?" and his girlfriends is like, "I wasn't that scared." And she walks off. And Michael kind of giggles and is like, "*hehe* You were scared..." Just watch it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtyJbIOZjS8&feature=related Too bad he changed and got all weird.

Omg, this made me cry this time. I don't even know why. Something seems different or something. The song "The Call" from the movie Prince Caspian? Do you know it? I don't know why, but this time, it felt really...I don't know. It just made me cry. And I don't usually cry anymore, so that was weird. Here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9CvaTrg8Frg

Anyway, um...I had so much to say, but now I can't remember any of it! Oh well.

OHHHHHHH, DUH! Today is Quote Day! And I need to do Picture Day and Word Day, too.

Quote Day: "But just because they can't feel it too, doesn't mean that you have to forget." a line in "The Call."

Picture Day:

What is this a picture of? My opinion? Change. Yours? Comment or email me.

Word Day: Change. Is it good or bad? Sometimes one, sometimes the other. The Call: "Just because everything's changing, doesn't mean it's never been this way before."

Lots to think about, guys. Listen to The Call. It's such an amazing song. The lyrics are in the description if you click "more info". I recommend it.

P.S. It looks like the names Kieran and Vega are winning for the name of my assassin girl, and Word Day and Carpe Noctem Day are going to be kicked out! Disagree? GO VOTE!

Something of Substance

Posting about how I used to post "deeper" stuff made me think about changing. More specifically, ME changing.

When you're little, it seems like you never do. I mean, there doesn't seem to be much change between age four and five, or really six or seven either. And on your birthday, when people as "How does it feel to be fifteen?" Or fourteen, or seven, or eighty-nine, etc. Your answer is always (or at least mine was): "Fine. Not much different." So (follow me on this, okay? Logical syllogism coming through), if four is the same-feeling as five, and five is the same-feeling as six, then four and six are the same-feeling, too, right? And then if six is the same-feeling as seven, and seven is the same-feeling as eight, then it would seem that four and eight are the same-feeling, too!

But that can't be right! Surely there's a difference between four and eight! Everyone knows there is. Plenty of differences.

Okay, so there ARE differences. But they don't apparenly take place on your actual birthday when you are officially a year older. They must be gradual changes throughout the year. Which sort of sucks because then we'll never be able to recognize them, right?

Well.

A little over a year ago (on December 16th, 2007), I decided to conduct a little experiment. On myself. (Bwahahaha) You know those annoying fill-outs that you get in your email about every three weeks? You know what I mean. The ones that ask: What's your favorite color? Where were you born? How many houses have you lived in? What's your least favorite food? Do you wash your hair with grape scented shampoo or cherry? And blah blah blah.

Well.

I combined a bunch of those quizzes in my journal. I created my own ultimate fill-out. It was over 100 questions. Then I filled it out (duh). And I started journaling. I wrote in my journal every day (almost) for an entire year. And I made it a rule that I COULD NOT read over any past journal entries. Once the page was flipped, it STAYED flipped. Until a year had passed. I wasn't "allowed" to read my journal until December 16th 2008.

Well, it was supposed to be just one journal. I actually filled up ten whole journals before the year was up. Yeah. TEN.

When the year was up, I went back to that very first journal and copied the questions of the fill out into the journal I was writing in. I didn't look at my answers, I just copied the fill out. Then I filled it out (duhhh). Then I compared answers to PROVE to myself that I DO change over the course of a year. And once I had confirmed that I had changed, I could go back and read through the journals and analyze when exactly the different changes had taken place.

I was actually surprised. I changed in more ways than I knew, and in more subtle ways than I would have guessed. It was a really interesting experiment, and I "learned" a lot. I also really like having all my memories written down. I'll never lose them that way. Even if I forget, I still have a way to remember.

You should be able to tell by now that memories and remembering are very important to me. One of my biggest fears is simply "forgetting." I dislike change, in any way, shape or form, so it's important to me that I at least REMEMBER the way things used to be. Change is the worst when you feel like things were JUST FINE the way they were, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I've been through countless changes that took me from my "perfect" life to a "totally crappy" one.

The bad thing is, I never seem to be able to recognize my having the "perfect" life until I've moved on to the "crappy" one. I'm terrible at not living in the moment. I always live in the past. At least I used to. I'm getting better.

But it IS hard to let go of things that I loved so much. Mostly I'm thinking about people. Not really stuff or places, although moving was pretty big and I still wake up confused sometimes. Every time I think things are great and I'm finally doing/being/having what I want, BOOM! stuff just HAS to change.

Which is why it's important to realize how good you have it BEFORE it gets worse. And then, the "worse" will eventually seem pretty cool. (And then stuff changes again, but whatever :D) The trouble is just recognizing when you've got it good. Things can always get better, but they can get worse, too, so live in the moment once in a while. Enjoy what you've got. Cause sooner or later,

it's gonna be gone.