NaMeS

Well, today has been sort of depressing for some reason. I really have no idea why. It should have been great. My first day of freedom, the day before Thanksgiving. But for some reason, I just haven't felt like doing anything today.

I read for like an hour and a half, which should have been fun, but it just felt like laziness and procrastination.

I took my chemistry exam, which was actually pretty good. I DID feel good having gotten it out of the way.

I watched TV with my sister, but the shows were all boring.

I practiced this song on the piano, but I didn't feel like I got anywhere with it.

I folded my clothes, but it took way longer than it should have.

And now it's five o'clock and I still have to clean the bathroom, sweep the porches, and empty the trash. I also have dance tonight. I extremely don't feel like going, even though I know I should (and will).

Today has been a depressing disappointment, and I haven't the slightest idea why. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. As some of you might know, I'm really paranoid about having good holidays. They sort of scare me (as does my birthday) because I'm always afraid I won't make the best of them and then they're GONE for a whole YEAR. As a result of the worrying, I sometimes end up spoiling the special days for myself.

-_- *sigh* Tomorrow will be better. It has to be.
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Favorite Boys' Names
401. Joshua
402. Caleb
403. Cole/Kole
404. Drew
405. Jayden
406. Alexander
407. Everett
408. Seth
409. Aaron
410. Daniel

Favorite Girls' Names
411. Khloe
412. Kyrie
413. Juliet
414. Riley
415. Raegan
416. Lauryn
417. Alazne
418. Adrianna
419. Maris
420. Piper

Futuristic Girls' Names I "Made Up"
421. Kaelie
422. Polaris
423. Eris
424. Neveah
425. Enigami
426. Bracy
427. Bree
428. Elle
429. Rakelle
430. Raeven

Futuristic Boys' Names I "Made Up"
431. Castor
432. Apollo
433. Xizon (I pronounce it "kai-zohn")
434. Jaxon
435. Blaise
436. Polar
437. Sol
438. Alecks
439. Luken
440. Rowan

Boys' "Word Names" I Made Up
441. Rex
442. Pilot
443. Polar
444. Ankst
445. Nano
446. Shade
447. Blaze
448. Pagan
449. Voltage
450. Next

(Girls' Word Names tomorrow.)

~Kendra

Junior Year: Week 1

~ Spanish
~ Shakespeare
~ Poetry
~ American History
~ Chemistry
~ Philosophy
~ Logic
~ Algebra

So far, Junior year is okay :) I'm hoping to bridge the Gap of the Cliques once and for all this year. You might think I've got my work cut out for me (and...well, maybe I do), but anything's possible.

I wanna try and not get behind or put off my work. So far, I'm doing pretty well, but today was pretty bad. I got a late start and couldn't seem to get motivated. Some personal stuff is giving me a lot of trouble lately. But hey, I am living and learning. (The laughing and loving are the hard parts right now.)

I made a sign in Spanish this afternoon, inviting my family to watch "Gone with the Wind" with me tonight. At least Momma and Daddy showed up :D I really do like that movie, even though it's a total downer. It's a really interesting story. Scarlet o'Hera fascinates me, Rhett Butler amuses me, Melanie Hamilton amazes me and Ashley Wilkes just disgusts me, but it's interesting, especially along with my American History class.

Other News
I missed soccer sign-ups for the first time in nine years.
At least dance starts in a couple of weeks.

I haven't felt that good today for some reason. Just generally pretty down about things and lacking the energetic motivation I had last week and through the weekend. I'm really stressed out. Hopefully things will be better tomorrow.

~Kendra

Just Tune Me Out For A Minute

Today was not very good. It's not that anything bad happened, I think it was just me. For some reason, I just did not have a good day. So far. But the day isn't over yet.

:-|

*shrug*

This morning was church. I got to see Cavender, which was good. Then this afternoon I was just really tired and just...I was sad. For no reason. So no feeling bad for me -_-

I am not looking for sympathy; I'm just complaining. I do that too often lately. Usually I only do it to people I feel comfortable with, but lately my bad attitude has been leaking out onto Carpe Diem. That's so anti-what-this-blog-is-about. Sorry, guys!

I'm also apologizing a lot lately. I guess that might be better than the way I used to be. I used to never apologize. For anything. Everything was always someone else's fault. Now...I'm not saying I take responsibility enough, because I don't, but I apologize a lot more than I ever used to. It definitely annoys me. I think it's part of the budding Miss Self-Conscious I am. It sucks.

ALSO--ah, never mind.

Uh. Lemme try to be positive for a minute...

...

...

...

Uh.

...

I swear, I am trying. Hang on.

...

>.< ... I... I still like my music lecture idea. Even though I have a butt load of work to do on it tomorrow. >.<

Something is seriously wrong with me. I have nothing to be so down and irritated about. And I REALLY, REALLY don't need to be dragging this over into Carpe Diem, but here I am, still typing.

And yesterday I was all happy! What the heck! *sigh* Oh well. One of these days, I just might turn back into the old Kendra. I hope so.

~Kendra

Writer's Depression

She stared at the blank Word document, hoping for something to come out. Nothing did except the words “I suck”. And her next sentence, “I will never be a writer” came out “I wlil never be a wirter”, proving that even Word hated her.

What happened to those days when she’d take out a fresh notebook and start a wonderful new story? What happened to the days when she’d discontinue the story three days later and not even be bothered by it? What happened to the days when she’d chose acting out a scene in her room over TV and computer any day?

She put her head in her hands. Maybe she wasn’t made for this after all. I mean, she’d only wanted to be a writer for fifteen years, right? She could be wrong. Maybe she was secretly destined to be an astronaut.

She snorted. Yeah, an astronaut. Thanks but no thanks. She wanted to be a writer.

Maybe depression was good. She actually didn’t mind. It’s good to be able to slip into different moods. Makes writing characters easier. Hey, maybe she ought to write down how she was feeling now! It might come in handy…Who knows? Maybe one day she’d have a depressed character to write…

Yes, she had better get this down before her depression went away.

"She stared at the blank Word document, hoping for something to come out..."

Clickity, click, click, click, clickity, clack, clickity, click…

Summary

Got "Twilight" the movie yesterday, watched it today.

HOORAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can't wait for the "New Moon" moive (November 20th, this year. Never too early to get psyched up about it :D :D)

Don't have much time, so I'll do a quick run-though of my life:

Debate is going well.
Creepy is NOT. I'm at a standstill and I don't know why.
I "just" found out I have another 3 to 5 minute speech due in about four weeks.
I need another hair cut. I feel like my hair is too long. AGAIN.
Math is okay...haven't really done much of it this week :D
Science, I'm trying not to think about.
I am really P.O.-ed at my computer right now.
No one is reading Carpe Noctem. Which is sad.
Hardly anyone is reading THIS blog anymore, also sad.
I think I have an eating problem (will expand on this in a second).
I'm afraid one of my friends might be anorexic (will NOT expand on this).
I was feeling really good inside until I started explaining my life point by point.

Okay, eating problem expansion! Every time I eat much, I feel really sick and my stomach gets all crampy. Maybe I have chrome's disease (or however you spell it). I'm significantly freaked out, but it could just be me.

*sniff sniff* I'm hungry :(

Bye! :D

P.S. I have mood swings a lot...

Warning: Don't read if you have a history of depression.

My house is the black hole of depression. THE BLACK HOLE. My whole family is upset and so freaking stressed. You don't know. You can't know. My mom is crying, my dad looks so defeated, my sister avoids us, I can't even breathe I'm so...something. We've put everything on the line, and things just...fell apart. We can't move in, our house is in chaos, we don't know when we'll be able to move. We can't live like this. My parents have to work, my sister and I have to do school. My stomach hurts, my head hurts, my throat hurts (probably because I'm holding back tears), my everything hurts. Everything is dark. Nothing has color right now. This is a bleak, depressing, probably-melodramatic post, but it's how I'm feeling. I can't even write Creepy. I have so much driver's ed homework to do it isn't even funny.

Life sucks. And then you die.

Carpe diem?


P.S. I just had an interesting idea: I should have a blog called Carpe Noctem...hmm...

Vita Est Mala

Everything sucks.

I wrote tons (ish) of Creepy Story, and I don't even like it. I feel like 40 out of 80 pages are pretty much one big, long "dull part." *sniff sniff* This sucks. I don't know what to do :(

*MOANS*