What's Up With Me

So. Hey :)

I've been thinking and evaluating and struggling with some things lately. Some of it's academic, some of it's personal, and some of it's creative. This year, you know, my goal is to be more myself. To become more the person I feel like I'm supposed to be. Lately I've been feeling like I have to choose between being myself and keeping up with certain aspects of school.

God has blessed me with two facets to my personality: academic and creative. Normally, they coexist fine, but more and more, I've been feeling like they...well...can't.

I can keep up with my school work. I can do great. I can be a model student and get straight A's and tell you everything you want to know about Nietzsche and his Ubermensch, but when I sit down to write, I've got nothing. Nothing.

For a while I dismissed it as a phase. Writer's block. Um, really LONG writer's block...a year and half's worth of writer's block, and getting worse every day...

In 2008, I read 40 books. In 2009, I read 39 books. In 2010, I read 20. Counting school books.

I stopped journaling. I stopped wanting to call my best friend. I got about eight colds in six months. I started putting on an act 24/7 of being the same Happy Healthy Fun Creative Kendra I've always been. I wasn't really very happy anymore, but I figured hey, I was making good grades and that's what counts.

I was beginning to think that I'd have to make a choice, and I knew I had already decided. Writing is who I am, reading is what keeps me going, but it's not what the world (or my parents, I thought) cares about. I can't even tell you the number of times my mom has told me to "stop working on my story and get back to my schoolwork."

Eventually I could do that for myself, and a little too well. I stopped writing because I didn't have time. I figured I could pick it up sometime when I did.

But guys, it doesn't work that way. You use it, or you lose it. I was losing it and I didn't know what to do. I made time for writing, but the words wouldn't come because I was so stressed out about what I SHOULD be doing. Even when I had legitimate "free-time," all I could do was veg out in front of the TV or click around on the internet because books didn't interest me, my words wouldn't come. I resigned myself to giving up creativity, and although it felt like cutting off my right arm, I was already halfway there.

When this year started, I knew I needed to do something. I was becoming dangerously angry and jealous of the homeschooled friends who had time just to enjoy being alive. I would read blogs and want to tear my hair out, thinking "Why can't I be her/him?" I was doing well in school, but completely miserable and losing myself in the sea of dates, atoms, charts, conjugations and theorems.

Good grades definitely count. Especially when you're (please excuse the potential arrogance) really blessed in the intelligence area and are 150% dedicated to getting into Wake Forest University. Good grades do count. A lot.

But is the syllabus more important than my soul?

I always thought homeschooling was about doing what was right for you, not about teaching to test or squeezing you into a system. I know God wants me to do my best and stretch my mind, but at what expense? I don't think he wants me to sacrifice my creative side for my academic side. I think there's a way for them to work together...maybe? Hopefully?

I finally breached the subject with my parents a few days ago. I tried to explain how I feel. Honestly, I didn't expect a great reaction. I expected something along the lines of, "Kendra, you're just being lazy because you're struggling in subjects that don't come naturally to you. Stop daydreaming and hit the books and everything will clear up soon."

But that didn't happen. My parents listened to me and took me seriously. We didn't argue and we actually understood each other.

That conversation definitely goes in the top three Must-Have-Been-God moments of my life.

We arrived at a pretty simple solution:

- We're ordering an algebra curriculum on DVD that I can do every day.
- I'm postponing chemistry until this summer. Without a background in algebra 2, chemistry is borderline impossible.

It doesn't sound like much, does it? But the way I feel is a 180 degree turn-around. I used to sleep until 10 o'clock because waking up was just too stressful and depressing. I used to write a total of 0 words a week. I used to be frustrated and didn't get alone with my parents very well.

It's been four days and I've gotten up earlier, feeling excited and so much full of ME. I've written more in my notebooks than I did all of last summer. I like my parents.

I just feel good. I feel like I'm enjoying life. I feel like I might try to do chemistry today just because I feel like I can.

I know this was a really long post, and possibly not something you're interested in, but I just felt like posting about it. I guess I sort of want insight. Do you think I did the right thing? I feel good, but every once in a while a shadow falls across me and I wonder if I should have just kept things the way they were and tried harder...

Comments are great... :)

~Kendra

Political Satire

"Jonathan Swift’s “Gulliver’s Travels” is a beautifully constructed political satire. Swift subtly mocks the ways of society and the politicians of his day. The story at first appears to be a charming tale of a man’s adventures, but when one reads more closely, the delightful mockery of pompous political leaders emerges. The main character of the story, Gulliver, enjoys traveling, and visits the strangest places. On his first voyage, Gulliver lands on the island of Lilliput, which is inhabited by persons of only six inches in height. These little people, despite their diminutive stature, believe that they are the most intelligent and wonderful race to ever walk the earth. Their unusual and unnecessary laws make for interesting situations for Gulliver. On his second journey, Gulliver finds himself on and adventure quite the opposite of his first. His ship runs into a storm, and Gulliver ends up in Brobdingnag, a peninsula populated by giants. Quite unlike the Lilliputians, the giants are a reasonable and good people, skilled in seeing the big picture. After Gulliver leaves Brobdingnag, he voyages to Laputa, where the most unusual people dwell. The Laputans are eccentric and science-obsessed, worrying constantly that the sun will go out and performing disturbing “projects” to aid society. On his last escapade, Gulliver visits the Country of the Houyhnhnms and Yahoos. The Houyhnhnms are rational horses, while the Yahoos are barbaric and disgusting humanoids. Through these four voyages, Jonathan Swift touches on many laughable aspects of his times from hoop-jumping politicians, to close-minded leaders, to the sometimes foolish innovative approaches, to the corrupt nature of humanity."

And there is my introductory paragraph for my paper on "Gulliver's Travels"! I'm actually enjoying the book, but I wish we had a little longer to read it. Cliffs Notes are a gift from God, I'm telling you! :)

Schedule for Mulan from now until the last performance:

Friday: 7pm-10pm

Saturday: 2pm-7pm, cast get-together 7pm-until

Sunday: 1:30pm-9:30pm

Monday: 6pm-10pm

Tuesday: 6pm-10pm

Wednesday: 6pm-10pm

Thursday: 8am (school performance :O)-3pm (we have other shows in between)

Friday: OPENING NIGHT!! 6pm-(perform at 7:30pm)-9:30pm, go to Mexican for dinner

Saturday: 1pm-(perform at 2:30pm)-4:30pm, 6pm-(perform at 7:20pm)-9:30pm, go to pizza buffet for dinner

Sunday: 1pm-(perform at 2:30pm)-4:30pm, cast cook-out later

I would totally be looking forward to all this, except for one tiny detail:

AFTER THIS IT'S OVER!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! *SOB SOB SOB SOB SOB SOB SOBBBB*

And that's all I have to say for now. Farewell.

It's possible that I will post later tonight, but only if something REALLY EXCITING happens :D

Character Day and Feeling Much Better

Character Day! I'm going to do one of my own today: fourteen-year-old Kaelie Kayla Morgan (KY-lee KAY-lah MOR-gun).

Kaelie is bubbly, fun-loving and impatient, but also clever and maintains a touch of solemnity when necessary. She's a complex person. She can be giggly and easily distracted one moment, and then come up with a perfect solution to a mind-boggling problem the next. Her favorite things include good jokes, the color periwinkle (she likes the name as well as the color), and friends. She despises stupid people, her brother being right when she's wrong, and long waits.

Appearance-wise, Kaelie's looks match her personality. Her auburn hair and extraordinarily bright green eyes give her a clever and excited look. Originally, her hair was supposed to be kind of scrunched-style and shoulder length. Now I'm starting to like the picture of hair I have below. Kind of a Star Trek-esque ponty-tail thing going on, which fits since Kaelie's story is set in the future. What do you think? Anywyay, she's 5'6" tall and weighs about 124lb.

The color and texture (and maybe length?) of Kaelie's hair:

Kaelie's eyes:

Over-all (she's a bit younger than the girl in this picture):

And there's Kaelie Morgan!

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So, as you might have gathered from the title of this post, I'm feeling a lot better. I guess I was just having a bad few days. I'm still not who I want to be, but that's okay, but God is working on my every day. I'm not *supposed* to be perfect!

Thanks, all of you guys who left such encouraging comments. You can't possibly know how much they help me when I'm feeling down.

I don't want to talk about school. At all. Next topic.

I'm supposed to be reading "Gulliver's Travels" this week for school. So far, it's pretty good. It's not super exciting, but it's not particularly hard to read either. We're supposed to be keeping a record as we read of all the satire in it. I'm really looking forward to that. Satire/sarcastism is definitely a subject I love XD

No writing to speak of. I've been thinking some about my stories, but nothing has struck me as writing material--yet. I'm still waiting.

I haven't written any "Mirror" in a very long time. Like, MONTHS long time. Am I worried?

Nope.

This happened to me in the beginning of "Mirror", too. I wrote about thirty pages, and then it was a good nine or ten months before I read over it and got excited about it again. I'm just taking a break. Sooner or later, I'll start to miss my characters and I'll get a brainstorm or something and BAM! The words will flow.

Play practice tonight :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D I've been a little depressed, though, thinking about the fact that it has to end.

I'm telling you, I SUCK at carpe-ing my diem. I live in the past (I wish I could go back and time and relieve such-and-such) and in the future (it's gonna suck when so-and-so leaves or when such-and-such is over). I've been trying SO HARD to enjoy "Mulan" while it lasts that I've been ruining it for myself.

*MOANGROANSIGHWAILSOB*

I know this is a weird prayer request, and frankly pretty selfish, but if y'all think of me during the day, do you think you could send out a prayer that I will learn to enjoy life RIGHT NOW?

I guess that's about all I've got to say.

Oh, hah, no, it isn't. I lied XD

Fact or Fiction Day was yesterday. The fact/fiction: Eating 2 poppy seed bagels can make you test positive for drugs.

FACT.

Cavender, Bethany, and Gracie all got it right, but Cavender got it right first. Here's your award, Cavender:

I think I'm going to stop giving out awards for this. Awards are supposed to be special, and giving them out twice a week is just making it kind of mundane. And it's kind of a pain to keep cranking out awards, lol XD

Thanks for being there, you guys!

Moon

Hey, everyone! Go outside and look at the moon! Tonight's moon is the biggest and brightest of the year! Enjoy it while it lasts! :)