What's Up With Me

So. Hey :)

I've been thinking and evaluating and struggling with some things lately. Some of it's academic, some of it's personal, and some of it's creative. This year, you know, my goal is to be more myself. To become more the person I feel like I'm supposed to be. Lately I've been feeling like I have to choose between being myself and keeping up with certain aspects of school.

God has blessed me with two facets to my personality: academic and creative. Normally, they coexist fine, but more and more, I've been feeling like they...well...can't.

I can keep up with my school work. I can do great. I can be a model student and get straight A's and tell you everything you want to know about Nietzsche and his Ubermensch, but when I sit down to write, I've got nothing. Nothing.

For a while I dismissed it as a phase. Writer's block. Um, really LONG writer's block...a year and half's worth of writer's block, and getting worse every day...

In 2008, I read 40 books. In 2009, I read 39 books. In 2010, I read 20. Counting school books.

I stopped journaling. I stopped wanting to call my best friend. I got about eight colds in six months. I started putting on an act 24/7 of being the same Happy Healthy Fun Creative Kendra I've always been. I wasn't really very happy anymore, but I figured hey, I was making good grades and that's what counts.

I was beginning to think that I'd have to make a choice, and I knew I had already decided. Writing is who I am, reading is what keeps me going, but it's not what the world (or my parents, I thought) cares about. I can't even tell you the number of times my mom has told me to "stop working on my story and get back to my schoolwork."

Eventually I could do that for myself, and a little too well. I stopped writing because I didn't have time. I figured I could pick it up sometime when I did.

But guys, it doesn't work that way. You use it, or you lose it. I was losing it and I didn't know what to do. I made time for writing, but the words wouldn't come because I was so stressed out about what I SHOULD be doing. Even when I had legitimate "free-time," all I could do was veg out in front of the TV or click around on the internet because books didn't interest me, my words wouldn't come. I resigned myself to giving up creativity, and although it felt like cutting off my right arm, I was already halfway there.

When this year started, I knew I needed to do something. I was becoming dangerously angry and jealous of the homeschooled friends who had time just to enjoy being alive. I would read blogs and want to tear my hair out, thinking "Why can't I be her/him?" I was doing well in school, but completely miserable and losing myself in the sea of dates, atoms, charts, conjugations and theorems.

Good grades definitely count. Especially when you're (please excuse the potential arrogance) really blessed in the intelligence area and are 150% dedicated to getting into Wake Forest University. Good grades do count. A lot.

But is the syllabus more important than my soul?

I always thought homeschooling was about doing what was right for you, not about teaching to test or squeezing you into a system. I know God wants me to do my best and stretch my mind, but at what expense? I don't think he wants me to sacrifice my creative side for my academic side. I think there's a way for them to work together...maybe? Hopefully?

I finally breached the subject with my parents a few days ago. I tried to explain how I feel. Honestly, I didn't expect a great reaction. I expected something along the lines of, "Kendra, you're just being lazy because you're struggling in subjects that don't come naturally to you. Stop daydreaming and hit the books and everything will clear up soon."

But that didn't happen. My parents listened to me and took me seriously. We didn't argue and we actually understood each other.

That conversation definitely goes in the top three Must-Have-Been-God moments of my life.

We arrived at a pretty simple solution:

- We're ordering an algebra curriculum on DVD that I can do every day.
- I'm postponing chemistry until this summer. Without a background in algebra 2, chemistry is borderline impossible.

It doesn't sound like much, does it? But the way I feel is a 180 degree turn-around. I used to sleep until 10 o'clock because waking up was just too stressful and depressing. I used to write a total of 0 words a week. I used to be frustrated and didn't get alone with my parents very well.

It's been four days and I've gotten up earlier, feeling excited and so much full of ME. I've written more in my notebooks than I did all of last summer. I like my parents.

I just feel good. I feel like I'm enjoying life. I feel like I might try to do chemistry today just because I feel like I can.

I know this was a really long post, and possibly not something you're interested in, but I just felt like posting about it. I guess I sort of want insight. Do you think I did the right thing? I feel good, but every once in a while a shadow falls across me and I wonder if I should have just kept things the way they were and tried harder...

Comments are great... :)

~Kendra

Resolution

Happy Second Day of Twenty-Eleven! How was your first day? Did you notice the date?

1.1.11

I thought that was pretty sweet, but then again, I'm easily amused.

This year, I have a lot of little resolutions, but in general, my goal is very simple (and not particularly original): be myself.

I go through ups and downs in "being myself." 2010 was not an especially good year for being myself. It's not that I lied or was fake or tried to be someone I wasn't, it's just that...I was being the wrong parts of myself and not looking at the big picture.

Of course, 2010 was also just a growing year. I might not have been completely myself, but I did a lot of experimenting and learning and stretching. I learned what works for me and what I'm like and where my limits are.

You know, when I think about like this, 2010 really wasn't that bad. I'm not upset to say goodbye, but it actually wasn't a bad year. I had lots of Firsts (and several Onlys) and discovered that I love eyeliner, hate chemistry and can, in fact, tolerate guys screaming in movies (which will come in handy with the Harry Potter movies, I think).

Long story short, while I wasn't as successful at being ME in 2010, I did make a lot of discoveries about who I am that should help me become more the person God wants me to be in 2011 :)

More on that later.

~Kendra

God's New Year's Resolution

The New Year is here, and with it come all those fabulous new ideas to make us, our lives, and our futures better.

AKA, New Year's Resolutions.

Now, I don't want to generalize this too much; maybe some of you actually DO follow through on your resolutions. Maybe some of you actually stop cracking your knuckles, lose weight, make healthier choices, finish your novel, and train your puppy. Maybe it's just me that does wonderfully for two or three weeks and then forgets all about her promises.

Or maybe some of you know what I mean ;)

We as humans fall short of perfection, and so naturally, our goals and determination will fall short as well, but...

...what if God were like that?

What if God had led the Israelites out of Egypt, but then after a few years of mess-ups on their part decided that it was too much of a hassle to keep an eye on them?

What if God had originally intended to forgive us all, but somewhere around WWII figured it was all hopeless and just gave up?

What if God had really meant to stay with us through thick and thin, but then...well, he just got tired?

:) Aren't you glad God isn't like us? Aren't you glad our God is an awesome god? Our god is not glorified humanity. Our God is divine, perfect, and King of Kings. God doesn't make promises he can't keep.

God's New Year's Resolution for 2010 is the same as it has been since the beginning of time: "I will always love you, I will always be with you, and I will never give you what you cannot handle."

New Year's Challenge

It is the last day of the year. I really wish I had something deep, insightful, and philosophical to say. At the moment, I have nothing.

I'm very sorry for those of you who didn't "know" me well before Christmas. I am not like this usually. I'm not a depressing person, I'm not a short-winded person, and I'm definitely not one to forgo saying something long and deep at the end of the year.

(This is also not anyone's fault, >insert your name, you know who you are
The past few days (mostly nights...no, actually mornings) have been very interesting. In the good way. I have...

Stayed up very late. (I love you, Cavender and Kyle :D)
Talked to Ellie. (Thanks for helping, "sis"!)
Started a new Orphan Story :O (...*laughs nervously*)
Seen Avatar. (I'll explain that later.)
Acquired a new nickname (two, actually XD).
Learned about football. (Thanks, Daddy :D)

And that was just the past few days. 2009 has been a complete and total adventure, and one of the best ever. A lot of people I know are very glad to kick 2009 out the window, but I liked it. I liked 2009. Let's reminisce, shall we?

*backspaces huge post skimming over the entire year 2009*

You know what, 2009 was great. It was full of everything a year should be. I loved it. It was an amazing year for me. But 2010 can be great, too. My New Year's Resolution?

Stop being afraid of the future. Stop living in the past.

Just because something was great, doesn't mean greater doesn't exist.

2010 is going to be great. That's not a hope. That's a fact.

Because (not to quote Hannah Montana) life's what you make it.

So, let's Carpe Diem, people.

2010 starts now.

~Kendra

A Friend From Russia and Knuckle-Cracking :)

It was cloudy last night, so I didn't get to see the moon.  :'( Lols, oh well.  Just for the record though, I love the sky:  stars, the moon, clouds; love 'em. :)

Well, today not a whole lot happened.  We went to church and then we went to this new family's house for lunch.  It was pretty fun!  One of the kids was adopted from Russia three years ago when he was ten.  I thought that was really neat.  His name is SO cool, but I don't want to say it without permission or anything.  Just in case he minds.  Anyway, it was fun.  We watched part of the movie "Meet Dave," which I thought was okay.  It wasn't great or anything.

*Sigh* Tomorrow begins another week of school.  Weekends never last long enough, you know? 

One of my New Year's resolutions was to stop cracking my knuckles.  I'm not doing all that well!  :)  Today I've cracked them like eighteen times.  :D Yes, I keep track.  Yet again, I'm even weirder than you thought.

Well, I guess I'll be going for now.  I'll be on youtube for a while though, so you can catch me there :)  (my username is embersmokeman)