Consumed

Well. Hello. I'm not doing very well lately. I usually try really hard to hide my hard times from Carpe Diem, but I feel like sharing today.

My worst times are the times that happen in my head. When bad things happen to me, I get frustrated and irritable, but I much prefer that to those times when it's all in my head. There's no escape. After all, wherever I go, there I am with me.

To put it all very simply, I'm not happy. I'm not satisfied. I'm just not happy. I don't know what to do. It's not that I need God. I mean, I do, but I'm doing fine with God. I'm happy there, and he's helping me. It's other than that. The thoughts that don't leave me alone. I think all the time. Even my dreams are bad.

Last night, I had the kind of dream that bothers me the most: a searching dream. I hate searching dreams. You never find what you expect. Either you never find what you're looking for, or you find something that's wrong. Like searching for you dog, and you find it, but it's got a disease. Or you're looking for a bathroom, and all the stalls are occupied. Or you're searching for a mirror, but when you find one, your reflection is all wrong.

Last night I was searching for a person. People are the worst, because they're, well, people. Everything about searching for a person seems ten times more realistic than searching for a mirror or something. Ten times more realistic, ten times more urgent, ten times more difficult, and ten times more awful. It was the pinnacle of my hidden bad times recently. I don't know.

I'm not trying to depress everyone, I'm not trying to say something profound, I'm not trying to teach a lesson, I'm not trying to drum up sympathy. I don't know what I'm doing.

I'm just typing.

~Kendra

P.S. A fellow-blogger named Jared Kraft is just getting started with a really cool music service for blogs. He writes theme music for you blog! The rates are very reasonable, too. Right now he's having a give-away where you can win a 2 minute theme song! To check out his blog, click on the button:



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Proud to Be An American

Thanks for following, Livia and Roxy!
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I know. It's not the Fourth of July. But do we really need a special day to celebrate our country? I hope not.

The first time I heard the song "God Bless The USA", I was little. Maybe seven? Eight? I don't know how old I was, but I remember hearing it one Fourth of July and getting chills. Every time I hear the song I get chills. Maybe it has something to do with the whole Cultural Honor thing, but I've always had this deep-seated passion for my country.

When I heard the song as a little girl, I remember feeling this fierce, burning love for where I live, where I come from, and how we got here. If I had to pick three things that I value above all else (excluding God), I would choose Freedom, Justice, and Truth--all things that America is built firmly on.

I respect and love my country so much. It's extremely difficult for me to put into words the feelings I have. America is all about Freedom and Justice. The Freedom to make your own choices, and the Justice to keep you from making stupid ones. I wouldn't want to live anywhere else in the world.

We Americans fought hard for our freedom. We were patient, but eventually could not take the injustice anymore, and we set out to make our own land, the way we saw fit. People died so that we could be free.

Freedom is such a wonderful, beautiful, precious gift. The Freedom to say what you think, the Freedom to go where you want, the Freedom to talk to whomever you want, the Freedom to question your government, the Freedom to choose your government.

We get to VOTE. Do not take that for granted. One of the things that makes me frustrated and disappointed like nothing else is when people do not vote. Your ancestors fought and died to give you this freedom, and you're just ignoring it? Throwing it away? Way to slap our founding fathers in the face.

Anyway. Tangent XD

I don't know why, but for some reason I just really wanted to share with you guys how much my country and my freedom mean to me. I would love to have the opportunity to serve my country. I plan to. Not in the military (although it's possible that God will call me to do that), but in the courts. As a lawyer, serving Justice.

I really, really, REALLY can't stand injustice.

Sorry. Another tangent.

Before I leave you with these deep, patriotic thought (XD), I'd like to print the lyrics to "God Bless The USA", and leave to the song. The song that started it all :) The song that gave me chills when I was little, and made my little heart swell with pride to be an American. I've tried to voice my feelings in this post, but the song says it all perfectly.

I, Kendra Logan, am proud to be an American.

God Bless The USA by Lee Greenwood

If tomorrow all the things were gone,
I’d worked for all my life.
And I had to start again,
with just my children and my wife.

I’d thank my lucky stars,
to be livin here today.
‘Cause the flag still stands for freedom,
and they can’t take that away.

And I’m proud to be an American,
where at least I know I’m free.
And I wont forget the men who died,
who gave that right to me.

And I gladly stand up,
next to you and defend her still today.
‘Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land,
God bless the USA.

From the lakes of Minnesota,
to the hills of Tennessee.
Across the plains of Texas,
From sea to shining sea.

From Detroit down to Houston,
and New York to L.A.
Well there's pride in every American heart,
and its time we stand and say.

That I’m proud to be an American,
where at least I know I’m free.
And I wont forget the men who died,
who gave that right to me.

And I gladly stand up,
next to you and defend her still today.
‘Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land,
God bless the USA.

And I’m proud to be and American,
where at least I know I’m free.
And I wont forget the men who died,
who gave that right to me.

And I gladly stand up,
next to you and defend her still today.
‘Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land,
God bless the USA.

~Kendra