Consumed

Well. Hello. I'm not doing very well lately. I usually try really hard to hide my hard times from Carpe Diem, but I feel like sharing today.

My worst times are the times that happen in my head. When bad things happen to me, I get frustrated and irritable, but I much prefer that to those times when it's all in my head. There's no escape. After all, wherever I go, there I am with me.

To put it all very simply, I'm not happy. I'm not satisfied. I'm just not happy. I don't know what to do. It's not that I need God. I mean, I do, but I'm doing fine with God. I'm happy there, and he's helping me. It's other than that. The thoughts that don't leave me alone. I think all the time. Even my dreams are bad.

Last night, I had the kind of dream that bothers me the most: a searching dream. I hate searching dreams. You never find what you expect. Either you never find what you're looking for, or you find something that's wrong. Like searching for you dog, and you find it, but it's got a disease. Or you're looking for a bathroom, and all the stalls are occupied. Or you're searching for a mirror, but when you find one, your reflection is all wrong.

Last night I was searching for a person. People are the worst, because they're, well, people. Everything about searching for a person seems ten times more realistic than searching for a mirror or something. Ten times more realistic, ten times more urgent, ten times more difficult, and ten times more awful. It was the pinnacle of my hidden bad times recently. I don't know.

I'm not trying to depress everyone, I'm not trying to say something profound, I'm not trying to teach a lesson, I'm not trying to drum up sympathy. I don't know what I'm doing.

I'm just typing.

~Kendra

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My Daybook: Week 1

Just finished watching two episodes of Alias. I love that show. Have I said that before? ;) So, this one had Mr. Sark in it, okay? And he kept...

*voice trails off as you zone out and completely ignore everything I was going to say*

*cough* So. Anyway.

So, guess what? I'M GOING TO START A DAY BOOK! I've been watching them float around, and I figured it'd be fun to start one...eventually. Seems like the new year is a great time to start. Every Saturday, count on one of these popping up...

Wanna do a daybook, too? Click-o here-o (haha, hero...sorry. I'm in a weird mood today).

Kendra's Daybook Week 1

Date: Saturday January 2nd, 2010
Starting time: 9:49pm
Mood: relatively happy. A bit distracted, and sorting some things out.
Outside my window: pitch black. I hate winter -.-
I'm thinking: WOW, if there was ever a big question, this is it. There is no short answer to that one, let me tell ya. A lot. I'm thinking about a lot, and a lot about a lot XD
I'm reading: right now I'm rereading The Mortal Instruments Trilogy. I want to read "Angels and Demons" by Dan Brown ("The Da Vinci Code") next.
I'm listening to: the wind howling around my house. I never knew wind could sound like this in real life until we moved here.
I'm wearing: Banana Republic jeans, a Walk For Autism T-shirt, and my black sweatshirt with the name of my dance studio in gold on it. And socks. That fit. And underwea--you know what, never mind (;P).
Yesterday, I: went to Matt and Katie's house and had an awesome time.
I'm excited for: um, hmm. Nothing really... :(
I'm sad because: whoa! How'd you know I was sad? :O I just can't figure out what to dooooo about some stuff, and that makes me sad, among other emotions.
I'm hungry for: um, I'm not hungry. But if I were, it'd be for Ramen noodles XD
The song stuck inside my head is: Nothing. Aw, dang, now you made me have a certain song in my head... *clears throat* Cavender... -.- :P Just kidding.
I want: O.O Um. I do not know. (Loaded answer, believe me.)
I love: sarcasm (Lols, that totally could have been sarcastic...WooT XD)
I loathe: people who think I am inferior
This week, my goal is: to do really well in the first week of school. Gotta start off strong!!
Did I meet last week's goal?: N/A
Ending time: 10:07pm (See? I told you I was distracted.)

~Kendra

Hi.

So, wow.

Busy, busy, busy.

I didn't post yesterday because I honestly had NO TIME. Play practice went from 10am-5pm, and then I babysat the rest of the evening/night. Having a long play practice was awesome, though. Usually, about the time I get "warmed up" to people, it's time to leave. With the 7 hour practice, I got warmed up to people, and just STAYED warmed up for a LONG time after that, lol! It was great.

Play practice today was cool, too. People are still being really nice to me, even more so after yesterday. I love these people :)

School. Hard. Too much of it. *UGH* Still having...well, I don't know if "fun" is the right word, lol, but working hard is turning out to be more fun than slacking, so cool.

I am really tired, y'all. I'm probably going to go to bed within the half hour.

*eyes droop*

This is almost practicum tired, except I can sleep in my own bed.

I have some really interesting stuff to say about being in control, but that will have to wait until I can form a comprehensive thought. Hopefully tomorrow. No promises, though, lol ;)

Carpe diem, tired or not.

It's the first Challenge Day!

It's Challenge Day! The day I've been dreading all week! Okay, maybe not DREADING, but I'v been struggling to come up with a decent challenge. I think I might do kind of a series. Like, one challenge leading to the next. But I don't know. All my ideas seem pretty lame to me. *deep breath* Okay. And my first attempt at a challenge isssssssssssssssssss...

Do something.

As boring and lame as that sounds, it might (MIGHT) actually be interesting if you try. It's something we did in youth group a couple of years ago.

First, you decide on something you've always wanted to do, but found an excuse for why you didn't do it. ("I honestly don't have time right now", "I will just as soon as things settle down", "I have the rest of my life to do this", "It wouldn't work anyway", etc.) Think of something you've always wanted to do, and then do it. Take little steps, TINY steps if necessary, but DO IT. Maybe you should write down a goal to reach by a certain day or something. I don't know. But this is the push you've been waiting for. DO SOMETHING.

Even if it's weird, if you've always wanted to do it, you should try. At least try. It might not work out, but at least you'll know that you really did put some effort into it this time. "To be great is to be misunderstood."

Let's be great (I think I'm gonna do the challenges with y'all)!
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That was definitely pretty lame. But oh well. Now I have to go think of something I've always wanted to do and haven't done...NO EXCUSES, KENDRA.

Time to seriously carpe diem.