Who Am I?

Fact or Fiction?

Eating 2 poppy seed bagels can make you test positive for drugs.

Email. Comment. First correct gets an award. No Googling.
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So, Followers Say is this Saturday! I'm really excited to see what people have to say. I'm thinking this is gonna be an anual thing, and I hope that it will grow every year.

School...I don't know what's wrong with me. Usually, I go through times when I "hate" school, but I never REALLY do. I feel like I'm kind of resenting school right now. It's getting in the way of all the other stuff I like to do. It seems like the assignments are all really tedious and stupid. I don't know.

I don't like myself very much lately. It's not that I'm usually in love with myself, but I'm usually pretty okay with how I am and getting to be more of who I want to be. Lately, I've not been liking the way my work ethic and thoughts are going, but I don't seem to take the iniciate to change them either. Everything just seems like of discouraging, like I'll never get anywhere I want to be with anything.

My posting style and content are going downhill, too. I used to post lighter, more fun things with interesting facts and real outlooks on things. I used to try to be real and post challenging things. I feel different now, but not good different. Different...darker, more conforming. I hate that. I really hate myself right now.

Don't freak out, I'm not suicidal or anything; I'm not one to go for the permanent solution to a temporary problem. I just don't know what to do to get myself back on track to...whatever it is I want.

I feel kind of lost, I guess. Remember my advice a few weeks ago? "Be sure you know who you are. If you don't, how can you expect others to?" Well, I really need to do that now. I feel like I'm being fake with everyone, but it's not really my fault because I'm not sure who I am anyway. I used to be really sure of who I was. I was KENDRA: smart, persistent, persuasive, and certainly destined to be a great writer and lawyer someday.

NOW what am I? I have no idea, and it bothers me.

Sorry. I don't mean to rant at you guys. You didn't sign up for this.

I guess I'm just feeling down-in-the-dumps. *shrug*

I have my headshot for the play today. I hate pictures like this. I don't mind regular pictures when you're just doing life and people are like "SMILE!" *flash* I hate pictures that you prepare for. I always end up having a bad hair day, or one of those times when my eyeliner won't do right. This picture is for the play, so all the people that I really care about what they think are gonna see it all over. If I look stupid, I'll look stupid for a long time.

-_-

I'm just going to stop now. I don't know who I am, so how can I expect you to?

Question Day and NERVOUSNESS!!

Question Day!!

The wonderful Rochelle Blue asked:

"When did you decide you wanted to become a writer?"

This might be a more in-depth question than I thought when I first read it. I thought, "Oh, that's easy. I decided when...um...well...when DID I decide I wanted to be a writer??"

I recently looked back at the “books” I made when I was a little kid. I would draw pictures and then tell my mom what to write under each picture. I thought that I wanted to be an artist because I loved to draw the pictures so much, but now I see that really I wanted to be a writer all along! I just thought I was being an artist, when I was really being an author even then.

Being a writer is the only goal for my future that has never shifted once. My other dreams for the future have all changed or been dropped, but I have wanted to write stories for other people to enjoy ever since I can remember. Because of all the events and passions pointing to my becoming a writer, I do believe it is the one goal that I am certain about. I firmly believe that God’s purpose for me has at least something to do with my being a writer. While all my other career goals and dreams may shift and change, I think being a writer is something that will always be close to my heart.

So, long answer short, I honestly think I was born wanting to be a writer. Something about the way my mind and personality works is just perfectly suited to do that.

Thanks so much, Rochelle! If anyone else has a question for Question Day, feel free to tell me! Please... ;)

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*internally quivers nervously with teeth clenched* That's how I look when I'm really nervous: jaw tight, chill bumps, flat expression, noticable swallowing.

My audition is tonight. I've changed song AGAIN.

Turns out the original "Teardrops on my Guitar" is different from the karaoke version I bought. The karaoke version sounds nothing the same, and the stupid CD doesn't have any tracks with the lyrics on them so I can learn. So, my dad and I spend half the morning hunting down and downloading the sheet music to one of my favorite songs we sing at church: "My Savior, My God". I can sing that really well.

So, now I have a song and sheet music and I know the song and I can sing it.

All very good things that came from a long series of bad things. Isn't God funny like that? Just when you're ready to scream at him to stop messing up everything you try to do, he's like "ta da!" and everything is all fixed. *sigh* You'd think I'd have learned to trust him more by now, but I haven't. Still working on it.

I'm definitely nervous, though. VERY nervous. My dad told me that when I audition, I need to put all my inhibitions aside and be my crazy, wide-open self. He told me that I tend to act small when in front of people, but I didn't used to be that way. He told me that I should forget about nervous and go back to how I was when I was little. Easier said than done. I'm going to try, though.

School is going so weirdly. With birthday shopping on Wednesday and birthday celebrations on Thursday, I just didn't get a whole lot done. I've mostly caught up today, though, so I'm back on track. It's been a very stressful day, though. It's so hard to concentrate on how WAAAAAAAAAAYYYY much school I have when I'm freaking out inside about the audition. When I'm nervous, sometimes I get really short of breath 'cause my heart is beating so fast, and that, of course, affects my singing...*sigh*

If you wouldn't mind, will you guys keep me in your thoughts and prayers tonight? The audition is at seven. I know this really isn't a big deal, but it does mean a lot to me.

Thanks for listening, y'all. It's good to have somewhere to vent.


P.S. GracieTheFirst and Cavender are the only ones who responded to Fact or Fiction. Here's the answer:

Fact/Fiction: In Missouri, a man must have a permit to shave.

Answer: Yes and No. Not to shave himself, but to own a barber shop and shave others, yes, he does ;)

You both won in a way. Sorry for irritating Everyone-Wins??-That-Is-So-Lame thing, haha! In the future I promise there will be only one right answer. In the meantime, Gracie and Cavender both get this award:

Congratulations! :)

P.P.S. I recently got some new awards (see the right side bar thing right below the About Me) from Bethany! Thanks!

Kade and Magic

Okay, I think today is going to be Name Day. I might do the names of my friends or of famous people sometimes, but probably I'll mostly do random names that I think are cool.

Today's name is *drumroll*: Kade!

No reason behind this name; it's just one of my favorites. It's a boy's name, but I read that it can be a girl's name, too. I think if I were naming a girl that, I'd spell it differently: Cade.

Anyway, it apparently has many meanings. When I found it and loved it a couple of years ago, I thought it meant "strong". When I googled it just now, I got a bunch of meanings including stout, sturdy, from the wetlands, and barrel. LOL! I like "strong" the best. Doesn't Kade sound like it means "strong"? *shrug* I'm name fanatic, so I'm probably more into this than any of y'all are ;) Oh well. That's the name of the week: KADE! :D
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Not much that's very exciting happened today. My mom gave a party for her class of eighth graders (Challenge B-ers), and my ninth grade (Challenge I) friends were invited, too. Some of them came, so that was pretty fun, although I will say I was underwhelmed at the manners and lack of common courtesy displayed by a few individuals.

Tonight, a couple is coming over for pre-marriage counsiling, so we're waiting dinner for them. They're supposed to be here at seven. *moan* I'll staaaaaarve! :) Just kidding. I'm definitely getting hungry though...

Tomorrow is my friend (Ellie B)'s play. I'm hopefully going to it. On Saturday I have an extra practice session for my dance class. We're going to rehearse the finale dance we've recently learned.

I told you I went to the bookstore Tuesday, right? Well, I did, and I got five books! :D :D Yay!! I've already finished one, and I'm halfway through another. I just love books. I know this sounds really cliche, but they can take you to different worlds and cultures on amazing adventures without your ever leaving your house! How awesome is that?

In my opinion, words are the closest thing we have to magic.

Maybe that's why I want to be a writer so badly...

Carpe aestas!