Something of Substance

Posting about how I used to post "deeper" stuff made me think about changing. More specifically, ME changing.

When you're little, it seems like you never do. I mean, there doesn't seem to be much change between age four and five, or really six or seven either. And on your birthday, when people as "How does it feel to be fifteen?" Or fourteen, or seven, or eighty-nine, etc. Your answer is always (or at least mine was): "Fine. Not much different." So (follow me on this, okay? Logical syllogism coming through), if four is the same-feeling as five, and five is the same-feeling as six, then four and six are the same-feeling, too, right? And then if six is the same-feeling as seven, and seven is the same-feeling as eight, then it would seem that four and eight are the same-feeling, too!

But that can't be right! Surely there's a difference between four and eight! Everyone knows there is. Plenty of differences.

Okay, so there ARE differences. But they don't apparenly take place on your actual birthday when you are officially a year older. They must be gradual changes throughout the year. Which sort of sucks because then we'll never be able to recognize them, right?

Well.

A little over a year ago (on December 16th, 2007), I decided to conduct a little experiment. On myself. (Bwahahaha) You know those annoying fill-outs that you get in your email about every three weeks? You know what I mean. The ones that ask: What's your favorite color? Where were you born? How many houses have you lived in? What's your least favorite food? Do you wash your hair with grape scented shampoo or cherry? And blah blah blah.

Well.

I combined a bunch of those quizzes in my journal. I created my own ultimate fill-out. It was over 100 questions. Then I filled it out (duh). And I started journaling. I wrote in my journal every day (almost) for an entire year. And I made it a rule that I COULD NOT read over any past journal entries. Once the page was flipped, it STAYED flipped. Until a year had passed. I wasn't "allowed" to read my journal until December 16th 2008.

Well, it was supposed to be just one journal. I actually filled up ten whole journals before the year was up. Yeah. TEN.

When the year was up, I went back to that very first journal and copied the questions of the fill out into the journal I was writing in. I didn't look at my answers, I just copied the fill out. Then I filled it out (duhhh). Then I compared answers to PROVE to myself that I DO change over the course of a year. And once I had confirmed that I had changed, I could go back and read through the journals and analyze when exactly the different changes had taken place.

I was actually surprised. I changed in more ways than I knew, and in more subtle ways than I would have guessed. It was a really interesting experiment, and I "learned" a lot. I also really like having all my memories written down. I'll never lose them that way. Even if I forget, I still have a way to remember.

You should be able to tell by now that memories and remembering are very important to me. One of my biggest fears is simply "forgetting." I dislike change, in any way, shape or form, so it's important to me that I at least REMEMBER the way things used to be. Change is the worst when you feel like things were JUST FINE the way they were, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I've been through countless changes that took me from my "perfect" life to a "totally crappy" one.

The bad thing is, I never seem to be able to recognize my having the "perfect" life until I've moved on to the "crappy" one. I'm terrible at not living in the moment. I always live in the past. At least I used to. I'm getting better.

But it IS hard to let go of things that I loved so much. Mostly I'm thinking about people. Not really stuff or places, although moving was pretty big and I still wake up confused sometimes. Every time I think things are great and I'm finally doing/being/having what I want, BOOM! stuff just HAS to change.

Which is why it's important to realize how good you have it BEFORE it gets worse. And then, the "worse" will eventually seem pretty cool. (And then stuff changes again, but whatever :D) The trouble is just recognizing when you've got it good. Things can always get better, but they can get worse, too, so live in the moment once in a while. Enjoy what you've got. Cause sooner or later,

it's gonna be gone.