Summer Travels

Ah, traveling. It's what some peoples' summer is all about. Some people like to use summer as a time to relax and just enjoy the things we miss during the school year. My family is in the middle. We don't travel much, but we try to get in a good vacation and a little get-away somewhere among the long hot months.

These next few weeks are my travel weeks. Tonight, my younger sister Lizzy and I pack our bags full of basketball shorts, grubby T-shirts, lots of socks, a pair of sneakers, and an air mattress. What are we doing? YOUTH MISSION TRIP!

It happens every year. Some of you may even remember me going last year. Well this year, our church recently bought a new building! It's the perfect thing for our church, a real God thing. However, because it was so important to purchase the building, there hasn't been a lot of funding toward the youth mission trip.

So instead of packing it in a car and driving 6 or 8 hours, my youth group is doing the stay-cation version of a mission trip. We're packing our bags, same as usual, and meeting at the church for a lock-in. But this year we'll stay at the church. We're going to work on the building, work at our local food pantry, do some work on a farm, help at a battered woman's shelter, and stuff like that, all in our community. This idea came together really at the last minute. Another God thing for sure.

The day after the mission trip, my family and my "brothers'" family are leaving for Sanibel, Florida! Vacation time! WooT WooT! It's gonna be pretty awesome. Lizzy and I have been saving our pennies for this vacation for months. I'm super excited :D

The only downside to all this awesome is the blogging factor. *tragic sigh, violins play* I don't expect to be blogging very much, if even at all, until we get back from Sanibel on August 10th (Happy Birthday, Cavender XD). I might post once or twice, but I'm not sure what the computer and internet situations will be in Sanibel.

So, until the 10th, adios, sayonara, arrivederci, au revoir, fare thee well, GOODBYE! :D Prayers, especially for this youth mission week, would be greatly appreciated. Let's hope we can really make a difference in peoples' lives for Christ.

~Kendra

Missed: One Brain Half

God Day:

Er...Not now, y'all.
----------------------
Sorry. It has so been one of THOSE days. As much as I really have tried to put on a happy face, today did not go well for me at all, as much as I think I hid it.

I got up, thinking that the day was going to go differently, and when it didn't go how I thought, I was pretty disappointed.
I was hungry all during church.
I woke up just kind of stressed out because tomorrow is Monday, which is gonna be bleep.
The sermon just did not hit me at all today.
I didn't feel good this afternoon.
I had to go to youth group, which I feel is at the moment led by slightly hypocritical people. (They DEMAND us to be consistent and faithful with coming to youth, and yet they cancel on a dime because they "want to spend time with their kids" or something.)
I got so hot playing outside at youth, then I came inside, and it was the same temperature.
I was just feeling so stressed and not looking forward to tomorrow at all when the work load will hit me like a ton of freakin' bricks.
I really miss the other half of my brain that decided to be lame and quit doing Classical.
I really miss the other half of my brain. Really a lot. It is so not the same without it. So not.
Chores.
Suck.
Crap.
Crapp.
Crappp.
The end.

Sorry for being depressing.

~Kendra

P.S. Oh, and my nose hurts from getting hit in the face at the soccer game yesterday. All this stupid little crappiness just makes me wanna cry, you know? It's nothing big, just a lot of little things.

:'(

Post 200: Mission Trip, and Him

This is post #200, y'all! Wow, okay, I know this is weird, but I feel all this pressure to make this an amazing post, lol! That's why I didn't post yesterday; I was busy all day and didn't have enough time to write anything worthy of the title "200th Post". So, I waited. Hopefully, this will be worth it for you :)

Okay, I have so much to say!!

1. Mission Trip Update
2. Run Down About Last Night
3. Apology for My Last Crabby Post
4. God Day

This may be a long post.

Mission Trip Update:

Honestly, there is no way to fit everything in. I'm going to resort to my essay-type way of organizing:

What: A mission trip with Group Workcamps Week of Hope! The way it works is your youth group goes, and then you're split up into a lot of different groups mixed in with other youth groups. The first year our youth group did this, our youth group was so small that we were all completely split up, no one from our youth group was with anyone else from our youth group. This year, there were 24 of us, so we were all with someone from our own group.

Who: In my crew, I had Matt (my "little brother"), but he was the only person I knew. Besides him, I had a crew leader who acted like he didn't want to be there, a Catholic girl who cussed her brains out, a boy who was fun, a boy who acted spiritual during prayer time, but never followed through, a girl who was nice but quiet, and me. We were working with another crew who had Gabrielle in it, and another boy from our youth group, Michael. Also in that group were a fun guy named Joe, a total city-girl leader (but she was very nice), and a spoiled-but-sometimes-fun girl.

Where: Nashville, TN. It was hot and muggy and buggy, but really not that bad. It rained Tuesday and some of Wednesday and Thursday. What I was actually doing was working with a group called Lifestyle Ministries. They recently got kicked out of their building, so my crew was helping them fix up some trailers and stuff to use in the meantime.

When: Our youth group met at our church building last Saturday at 8pm for a lock-in!! It was SO MUCH FUN! We stayed up all night until 6am when we loaded ourselves into the four vehicles we were taking and started our trip to Nashville. We slept some, but I only rally got three hours of sleep, which was fine. We were having too much fun to sleep.

Why: Because we want to serve people, grow in Christ, and have a total blast!

The sleeping arrangments: Our girls were split into two rooms because of our large number. I was in a room with Brianna, Ellie B, a girl named Jessica, a girl named Cassidy, Gabrielle, my sister Lizzy, and one of our youth leaders, Kathie. The room was a good size; just big enough for all seven air matresses, all our crap, and a little walking space in between, lol! The only real complaint I have about the sleeping arrangement was that it was SO FREEZING a couple of the nights. It was actually difficult to sleep it was so cold. Oh, and the rug had not been vaccuumed in AGES. It was utterly disgusting. But, you got used to it XD

The volunteer staff: Horribly. Mean, grouchy, unfair, ungodly, unfun, BLECKO. But, we managed to have fun inspite of the evilness. (One of the ladies actually told one of our boys who was kneeling at the cross praying that he had to go to bed because it was "lights out time". How lame is that?)

The programs: Not as meaningful to me personally as other years have been, but still nice. It was a good way to regroup after a long day and praise God. Even if the worship team sounded like a strangled goose trying to play guitar with its feet and keep time with its wings.

Overall: Sucess! I felt like I grew a lot closer to the youth group, and closer to God as well. Ellie B is such an incredible...I don't know, mentor almost. She's such a fun person who helps me see God in a different perspective.

Let's get personal for a minute (**WARNING**: PERSONAL AND SLIGHTLY MUSHY SECTION. IF YOU WISH TO SKIP OVER THIS, YOU MAY): Wednesday was "Emotional Night", where the program is the most meaningful, and people spend a lot of time with God in prayer, and usually end up crying. I did not cry the first while. I actually left with a bunch of people to go to another room and wait for the ones who were.

Then, I started feeling like I had cheated myself. I hadn't really taken the program very seriously because it was...well...sort of lame. I realized, though, that just because the program wasn't as good as usual, that didn't mean I couldn't get something out of it anyway.

I went back to the big room, where the only people left were people from our youth group. We take things very seriously, WAY more seriously than the other youth groups there, at least. One guy was at the foot of the cross praying. I sort of felt led to sit beside of him. He was the only one up there, and I felt like he would want someone to join him. So I did.

I started thinking, too, about why I'm not close to God. Y'all might think that I am, but I'm not. I'm really, really, REALLY NOT. I rarely pray, and when I do, the prayers are deep, but very short, and usually when I'm in bed going to sleep, so I end up dozing off.

Mostly, that's because I'm angry at God a lot. For reasons that seem very petty, too, but they aren't to me. Things that would roll right off some people really bother me, and still do.

I know loving someone at 12/13 is supposed to be impossible. Loving someone *really* at least. Having crushes, of course, anyone can have, but really, honest-to-goodness loving someone doesn't happen until at least your teenage years. Or so people think. Or so I thought.

I really loved someone, you guys. Maybe you won't or can't understand, but I really loved this person. It wasn't mushy, I didn't have a crush on him, I just loved him so much. I didn't even realize it. I'd known him since I was 8 years old, and I didn't even know that I loved him. He was a part of my life, a precious, irreplaceable part that I so took for granted.

If this helps you understand, he was like my older brother. Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while know how much I wish I had an older brother. It's the one thing I would wish for if I had one wish. It's what I think about when I blow out my birthday candles. It's what I want when I see a shooting start. It's how I close my prayers at night. I want an older brother, and for 5 years, I had one.

Five happiest years of my whole life. I was finally fulfilled, finally, whole, finally happy. He was like my brother. I loved him like a brother, and he treated me like a sister. He explained things to me, he made me laugh, he protected me. He was everything I could have ever asked for a million times over. I loved him a lot, but I never thought about it much because I figured he would always be here. He was like the rest of my family, I could affored to take them for granted because there would always be time to appreciate them later.

I didn't realize that he meant so much to me until he left.

His family stopped coming to our church, they stopped coming to my school, and his mom was unhappy at my family and our church for a reason that I don't know to this day.

All the sudden, after five years of having my dream, loving someone so much that if I thought about it, it hurt, he was gone. I stopped seeing him, and only then did I realize how much he meant to me, how much I depended on him.

I was shocked by the pain of losing him. Love like this doesn't happen at twelve, I scolded myself. You can't hurt like this at my age! Stop being so dramatic!

I told myself I was being ridiculous, that it was hormones or something, but it still hurt, almost physically. I didn't want to think about Him, but I didn't want to forget Him either. It was a constant battle of mind vs. heart every day, every moment.

I cried myself to sleep every night. I prayed so hard that His family would come back to church. Every time He wasn't there, I had to go to the bathroom and force back tears.

All this sounds stupid, ridiculous even to me, but I can't begin to stress the truth of it to you. I'm not exaggerating, I'm not being melodramatic, although my friends told me I was for years.

I finally told my parents what was wrong more than a year later, and they actually believed me. They were the first people to really get it. They told me that what I was experiencing was a kind of unconditional love that the other girls my age were just having trouble understanding yet. Knowing that I wasn't crazy made a world of difference, and I didn't cry that night after I told them.

I was better for a few weeks, but the pain kept coming back. It was better, but still there.

This whole aftermath thing has been going on for 42 months, and I've learned to hide the pain very well. My friends got tired of listening a long time ago, and eventually my parents even started using the generic responses, "I know you miss Him, but just give it more time. Don't try to hold on to this, Kendra."

I was actually doing very well with this until Wednesday, Emotional Night. I've learned to push this back into my mind, where it's still there, but I don't have to think about it. It's not a bad way to deal with this, it's practical and helpful, but as I sat at the foot of the cross, I just couldn't really pray with it lurking over my shoulder.

I was angry at God. Too angry to really get close to him. Why had God taken Him away from me? God had given me the one thing I'd always dreamed of, let me taste it, and then ripped it away from me again. Why on Earth would a good God do that? Ellie B assured me that God was there for me, and he wanted to help me. I believed her, but it's still like someone punching you in the face, then offering to get you some ice. If they just hadn't punched you in the face to begin with, you wouldn't need their stupid ice!

Ellie B helped me think back to that post I wrote a while ago, about trusting God, the author of my story. Bad things happen to me, but God knows the ending. Even thought I can't tell what he's doing, he has things worked out in the end. I don't know the ending, but I know it's good, and I know losing Him plays into that somehow.

I'm still struggling with that, and He still holds a very special part of my heart that I don't know if I'll ever get back, but I think I'm starting to really work through this. I'm starting to trust God a little more, and believe that he really does have my best interests at heart. I know God loves, and I know he has the end of my story already outlined, I just have to trust him that he knows what he's doing.

**END PERSONAL AND SLIGHTLY MUSH SECTION.**

Sorry for dumping on you. I can't believe I just wrote all that. I haven't told many people at all about that. There are only three non-family members who know that. And I just put it out there on my blog for all to see. But I think that's a good thing. I think it's a sign that I'm finally starting to let it go, give it to God. I'm healing. Slowly, but surely, I'm healing.

No, that's not right. I'm not healing.

God is healing me.

You know, I know I was planning on telling about last night and posting something for God Day, but I think I'm just going to leave this like it is. Last night was fun, and filled with family and friends and wild golfcart rides through thorns and a horse, but I think I'm not going to go into detail. I typed out all the important things, the things that will really matter ten years from now.

Thank you for reading, and, please, carpe diem. Carpe diem before it's too late. Before that person you take for granted gets taken away. Carpe diem NOW. Not tomorrow, NOW.

CRABBINESS

I'm back! I have so much to say, but I'm too tired and crabby to type everything out. VERY short version:

1. Fun
2. Terrible crew
3. Matt in crew
4. Matt is hilarious
5. Moose
6. Not homesick
7. Horrible Red Shirt Staff
8. Overall yay
9. Lizzy not bad
10. Music
11. Emotional night
12. Lame contest
13. Rude youth group
14. Obnoxious-beyond-all-compare person
15. Retarded-beyond-all-compare person.

Crabby. Tired. Had fun. Won't type all now. Probably will forget everything. Oh well. Deal with it. Bye.

Farewell! (Fairwell?)

Hey! I just got finisned packing my one allowed duffle bag with mid-thigh length shorts and a secret stash of rice krispy treats! I also just washed the dog. Now my hands smell like doggie and shampoo...

I don't think I can post for long, we're doing housework. Tomorrow, a ton of family is coming, including my favorite aunt! And I won't be here! *sob* About the time they're getting here, I'll be almost at our destination...yikes!

Lizzy is pretty nervous, and I'm...*very* surprisingly NOT. I can't believe how UN-nervous I am! I'm totally excited!

OMG! Today is Carpe Noctem Day! I have a whole post to put together! *screams* How am I supposed to think deep and controversial thoughts in like five minutes?

Okay, well, this is the last time I will be posting on Carpe Diem until Saturday, August 1st. If you are going to miss so much you can't wait until then, I, along with all the other youth, will be blogging every (ish) night on the youth trip, and you can read that here. I don't know that you'll be able to comment, though, and I'm *sure* I won't be able to respond.

Please keep me in your prayers this week, and I will talk to you later! Carpe diem!

Follow Kendra on the Youth Trip!

Hey! Sorry for posting twice, but I just wanted to drop this link off.

While we're on the mission trip, all the youth blog every night to keep in touch with our families and stuff. I thought I would post the link so y'all can read what I write every day if you want to!

Link: http://crossroadsncyouth.blogspot.com/

(I also put the link on the Out-of-Town Heads Upgadget to your right.)

Happy reading! I'll post tomorrow, but that'll be it for this blog until at least next Saturday.

Carpe diem!

*yawn*

Tired. Very tired.

The lake does that to me. I have soooooo much that I really want to say, but I think I'm just gonna make this really short and then go read "Da Vinci Code".

Challenge Day: Pick a past challenge and complete it. Click on the little thing at the end of this post that says "challenge" and it'll take you to all the posts with challenges in them.

-Lake with Matt and his friends
-Fun
-Shower
-Look at Evolution flair on Facebook
-Here
-Mission trip tomorrow-ish.
-Bye

Wow, I have no idea why I'm *SO* sleepy!

Citizen Soldier

Sorry for not posting yesterday! I was just about to when we had some unexpected company. This lady that my mom works with and her three kids: Daniel (14), Emily (12) and Caleb (10). I had so much fun! I just thrive on people. Being crowded gives me energy, so these past few days of PEOPLEPEOPLEPEOPLE has been so much fun for me!

We all went swimming, and then I got my mom to ask if they could stay for dinner. They did! Yay! Daniel is a really good musician. He taught himself piano from YouTube vids, and now he's taking lessons. Guitar is the same way. He played our old pump organ, and the little keyboard we keep in the unfinished part of the basement! I really like to listen to him play, and he doesn't mind playing in front of people, so that's cool.

Tomorrow we're going shopping for mission trip clothes. I know I haven't said much about the mission trip at all, have I? Well, it's for a week and we're going somewhere seven hours away. I won't say where, though, just for safety's sake (not that I think any of you are stalkers, lol).

I'm kinda nervous, but I don't get nearly as homesick as I used to, so I think I'll be okay. My lil' sister Lizzy is going this year! That's gonna be weird. Not bad (necessarily), just...weird. And so is Matt. That'll be like having a little brother, too. His mom already told me like all this stuff for me to ask him and make sure he does, lol! Hopefully having people to look out for will make me less nervous. It usually does.

Tonight is Challenge B orientation! (AKA, orientation for 8th grade, which my mom teaches.) One of my friends is going to come because her little brother is gonna be in my mom's class, so that should be cool.

I really love Challenge B. Like, I would sit in on the orientation if Kirsten wouldn't get bored to death. Challenge B was, like, the best and funnest year of my whole life.

Well, I need to go, so let me do Word and Picture Days really fast:

Word Day: Agape (pronounced ah-GAH-pay).

No, it's not actually an English word. It's Greek.

"Agape" means love, but not just "love". It means brotherly love, the love you have for your friends and family.

You see, in Greek, there are actually three different words that mean "love": agape, phileo, and eros. Agape is brotherly love, and phileo is kind of the same, only more unconditional (I think). Then eros is more like lust.

Cool, huh? I think we ought to have three words for love, too. It would take away so much confusion, don't you think?

Picture Day:

Whether you believe in this war or not, it is our duty as Americans to support our troops. They put their lives on the line every day for you and me. They are so brave, and we cannot forget it.

Citizen Soldier by 3 Doors Down.

P.S. SOMEONE MADE AN OFFER ON OUR OLD HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??? SOMEONE MIGHT FINALLY BUY OUR HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! Please pray that this works out!

God Sightings

*sobs for joy* 38 FOLLOWERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bekah, you rock! Thanks *so much*!!

I'm listening to "Leave Out All the Rest" by Linkin Park, so this post might be a little distant because I love this song and am mostly listening to it and not thinking about typing so much.

Okay. Never mind. It's over.

Such an amazing song. *sigh*

OKAY, so, here's what I plan to cover in this post: Carpe Noctem, God Day, and a quick run-through of my day and the sleepover last night.

Sleepover: It was fun!! We had a blast being crazy and super silly and watching like forty-five minutes of "Twilight". We took lots of crazy pictures. Here's one of them :)

There's nothing like girl friends gettin' together and doing crazy hair! :) (I'm the one in the middle, the tall one, lol!)

Quick run through of my day: Got up, got ready for church, ate two PopTarts, went to church, talked to people, listened to the amazing sermon, went to a little restaurant with D&D and their family, ate only a grilled cheese and drank Coke because their chicken fingers make me sick-feeling for some reason, took David home with us so he wouldn't have to go all the way home only to come right back for youth group (which is near our house), did stupid stuff on the computer, felt sick to my stomach (possibly because of that restaurant?), watched thirty minutes of "Twilight", went to youth group, had a great time talking about Miracles, came home, still feeling sick, blogged on Carpe Noctem, ate dinner, still felt sick, finished blogging on Carpe Noctem, re-did the layout of Carpe Noctem, went up and watched a news special about this news guy named Walter Clonkike (or something) who died, came down here, read blogs, started typing this, still feel sick.

We think it must be something in the well-water at the restaurant that makes me sick. Ugh, I feel kind of like crap.

Carpe Noctem: Uhm, just click on the link up there (or here: http://toseizethenight.blogspot.com/) and read it for yourself. Let me know what you think of the thingies on the side if you do, please.

God Day: Let's talk miracles!

We did in youth group, and it shocked me at how many miracles we've actually seen. Like, ME, personally.

1. We as a church laid hands on this guy who had kidney stone and prayed over him. We didn't pray for his surgery to go well, we prayed that God would just take the kidney stone away. We prayed that this guy would be a living miracle for the doctors to see. Well, he was. He went to the doctor the next day and the kidney stone was GONE.

2. A little girl at our church got kicked in the head by a horse. Her skull was pushed into her brain two inches. She is not paralyzed, has no brain-damage, and is completely healthy without so much as a visible scar.

3. A man at our church, a very old man, had really bad pneumonia. He was on his deathbed. The doctors all said so, we all thought so, but we kept praying. He's alive and perfectly well today.

4. Our youth leaders' daughter had severe heart problems when she was born. Time and time again, she has been a living miracle as she has had problems with that, and come out fine every time.

5. A boy we know was born with 20 different disabilities. He wasn't supposed to live to be more than a couple of DAYS old. He is currently sixteen years old.

6. A friend of our youth leader was doing something that needed a parachute in the dark. He thought he was much higher than he was, and pulled his parachute very late. Miraculously, he didn't die. He landed in a tree, and is pefectly fine today.

7. Our church is very small, and has a lot of bills to pay. Our offering isn't exactly rakin' in the cash. On a weekly basis, the accountant will wonder how in the world we're going to pay the bills. Something always happens.

8. Our youth leader was going on a family vacation a long time ago, and was broke. FLAT BROKE. They did not know how they were going to pay for the gas it took to get to their destination. They day before they left, a check came in the mail for $500. They had overpaid on something.

Stories like that are miracles that I have seen personally! Isn't it amazing? Our God is such a big God!

And it's not just the big things like kidney stones disappearing and money showing up; little things like being late to work so that you run into an old friend, waking up early to see a beautiful sunrise. Those aren't really "miracles", but God did it for you. God is always doing little things for us. You just have to stop and watch for them. At Bible School, we call those "God Sightings".

So look for God in the little details. Watch for miracles. Be prepared for God Sightings.

Hello? What are you waiting for? CARPE DIEM!

P.S. I found this blog a while ago, and this post just absolutely blows me away every time I read it. It's so poweful, so deep, so well-put, so moving, so true. "Reno" puts into words what I've felt before and never have been able to say. A thousand congratulations, Reno, for your amazing, poetic skill with words. Unfortunately, he hasn't enable comments on his blog, so I can't tell him how I feel about his writing, but I *can* share it with you, so here it is (WARNING: depressing, if incredibly eloquent): My Angel.

July 17, 2009

*sob* I've lost two followers in one week!! What has happened to my streak of good follower luck? Oh well. A three steps forward, one step back.

People are coming over for dinner tonight. Matt and Katie ("little brother" and "little sister") and their parents, and this guy that's helping our church build a bigger building. The guy has a daughter my age, and then two younger boys. This is going to be an interesting evening. Hopefully, the girl will be nice and hopefully Matt and the other two boys won't do evil things to us the whole night, lol!

Last night and today, I read over my fire fairy stories. They need so much work. Usually, I read over them and like them, even if they are a bit juvenile. This time, I was just disgusted with myself. *sigh*

I figured out why my stomach muscles aren't that sore this morning. I stopped lifting with my abs and started lifting with my neck. *rolls eyes at self* My neck is sore instead. I can't believe this. It's not like I don't know how to do crunches. I mean, I do, I guess I just...didn't, lol!

Okay, Challenge Day! No one does the challenges, which just figures because I'm finally getting creative with them. Here's the dumbest, and possibly easiest, challenge yet: take a picture of your eye. And preferably upload it somewhere as proof, but you don't have to. You can just tell me. You will get an award for it. *trumpet sounds*

I need books. I've read everything I own. I haven't been to a bookstore in FOREVER. I'm dying. Withering away. HEEEEEEELP!

Oh, guess what? The Youth Mission Trip is a week from Sunday! *gasp!!* It came up so fast! And it sucks, because that means that school starts in less than a month! NOOO! It feels like I just got out! And I've actually been out for way longer than anyone else, so I have NOTHING to complain about, lol! Still, being off has been nice.

On the other hand, being a nerd and all, I'm really looking forward to having to use my brain again. I feel so pretty-minded (read the "Uglies" series by Scott Westerfield. Highly recommended.).

*sigh*

That's all. Bye.

Questioning God (not an original thought, just original wording)

Okay, so, let's say you've gone hiking. You're just walking along sweating and swatting gnats and hoping ticks aren't dropping on you when all the sudden this random guy pops up and invites you to his little cabin over there. Since this is a hypothetical situation, you agree. The guy leads you back to the cabin, and you both sit down on his porch and have a glass of lemonade.

Then he announces that he is Jesus, aka God (derr ;) ).

You can ask him one question. One question. ONE QUESTION.

Now, I know some of you don't believe in God. I know that at least three of you are opposed to the idea of God. Well, just pretend. This is not going to be a conversion thing, it's just an interesting exercise we did in youth group, so you're safe.

Now. What's your one question?

Let's think about it. You're face to face with God, and you can ask him anything you want. It probably won't be "Whose idea was it to make misquitos anyway? It was the Holy Spirit, wasn't it? I knew it. He's so transparent."

*clears throat*

Anyway.

So, think of your question.

Like, now. Stop reading and THINK OF YOUR QUESTION. Make it good. This is your one shot to take advantage of Mr. Omniscient.

Now that you (theoretically) have your question, here comes the interesting part: That's the thing that's holding you back from God.

Even if you're already a Christian, there are little things that make us hesitant to commit ourselves to God. I have about a million little things and maybe you do, too, but the one question you ask will probably show you what your biggest "problem" with God is. Interesting, isn't it?

(Here comes the part where I get personal and start RANTING. I'll understand if you want to stop reading right here.)

I didn't say my question outloud in youth group, because I'm sometimes closed like that. Somehow it's so much easier to write my true feelings than to say them to someone's face. *shrugs*

My question is going to seem silly. It's going to seem stupid, childish, unimportant, and almost petty, but here goes:

So, God; why didn't you give me an older brother?

And that's it. After I had my question in mind, that's when the youth leader was like, "The question you would ask God is what's holding you back. That doubt is the main reason why it's hard to commit yourself to God." (Or, you know, something like that.) And I thought to myself,

Oh.

That's it. That's true.

That really is what's holding me back.

I may have said this before, but bear with me (if you're still with me at all). As long as I can remember, I've wanted an older brother. It's what I pray for every night, what I wish for one every first star, what I read some books for. Almost as soon as I could talk, that's what I asked my parents for. They explained that God hadn't given them a boy first. He had given them ME. And I, at two years old, was like,

SO? ADOPT.

Well, THAT never happened. And ever since, I've been wishing I had an older brother. In some ways, I think all my problems would be solved if I did. Like, I really think that. Everything that bothers me or is hard for me would be solved or at least helped if I had an older brother.

I want an older brother so bad I sometimes get crazy-jealous around people who have older brothers. I tell Maddie all the time how lucky she is to have Ryan, and never to take him for granted. I DREAM about older brothers. I write the dreams down so I can read them later. I read over certain passages of certain books on a regular basis and try to imagine that I'm the girl in the story, the girl with the older brother.

I'm telling you, it's the one thing I would give anything for.

I can't think of ANY GOOD REASONS for God NOT to have given me an older brother. WHY DIDN'T HE? Having an older brother would have solved so many of my life's problems and caused none. How is it possibly better for me to be brotherless? It doesn't make any sense to me. At all.

Joseph had ELEVEN brothers. Ten of them older.

Would it really have made a difference if he had had NINE? God could have given me the extra.

*sigh* I know it has nothing to do with God "running out of" older brothers. He didn't give me one for a reason. I just really wish I knew what it was.

Wanna know the most disgusting thing about this whole thing?

God sorta gave me an older brother.

Yeah. When I was eight. This guy came along who was just like the older brother I'd always wanted. For the first time in my life, I was really happy. Everything was great. I was so happy. I was thrilled. Like never before, my life was complete. Nearly perfect.

Then four years later, God takes him away. His family decides they don't want to come to our church anymore. Like *THAT*, I never see him anymore.

Uh, ouch. Thanks a lot, GOD.

At least that's what it feels like to me.

*groans* Dang it, now I've gone and made it sound like I think God is this big, insensative jerk. I don't really think that. Not really. It's just that...well, I am sort of mad at God for not giving me the ONLY thing I wanted. God created the Heavens and the Earth, surely he could give me my older brother!!

And he could. But he didn't. Which tells me something:

There's a reason for it.

I sure don't know it, and I may never know, but there IS a reason, and it's all for the best. I just need to remember that.

So, what's your one question? What's keeping you from turning to God?

(Sorry about all the ranting. I feel really bad about blurting all that out now. But after taking all the trouble to type it, I think I'll just keep it. *sigh*)

P.S. *GASP* I have another follower! Emma, YOU ROCK!!