EIGHTEEN DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS!

FIRST, thanks for following, Glow Fish!!!
Second, I might have mentioned this yesterday...If I did, sorry for being repetitive: there's a Carpe Diem Christmas Countdown button on the sidebar, if you want to take it, be my guest :)

Okay, so in the spirit of Santa, here are 18 things I want for Christmas (in a perfect world, of course; I'm not holding my breath :))

1. A camera - No more asking Lizzy for hers!

2. A better straightener - Frying-hair-by-going-over-it-four-times-with-a-straightener-that-only-goes-up-to-250, FTL!

3. A treadmill - Maybe then I can get my butt out of the computer chair -.-

4. Harry Potter books

5. Pendragon books

6. The third Gallagher Girl book: "Don't Judge A Girl By Her Cover"

7. iTunes gift cards

8. Journals - What can I say, I fill them up so fast!

9. Barnes & Noble gift cards

10. Bobby pins

11. An iHome - They play music, have an alarm clock, a regular clock, and they charge your iPod! What's not to like???

12. An older brother (but I do have KnightWing :)) - I'm not going into this for the millionth time, LOL!

13. Black Amethyst lotion from Bath & Body Works - It's "my" scent.

14. A Time-Turner

15. A gift for math and science - A girl can dream, can't she?

16. To write a story I don't look back on with disgust a year later - :-/ *sigh*

17. SNOW!

18. To be the best witness for Christ I can be.

So, yeah :) Now...

Wanna see our...

Our GIANT, TEN-FOOT Christmas tree??Aaand the smaller one we have for downstairs (it's artificial)?
Aaaaand a picture of me and Lizzy from every Christmas?
Aaaaaaand the organ that was my great-grand...something's?

Aaaaaaaaand (part of) my mom's Christmas tree collection?
Aaaaaaaaaaand the holly-berry-tinsel-twine-stuff in my room?

Kathleen!

My awesome cousin Kathleen is home from college and staying with us over Thanksgiving!! She's amazing and I love her so much. I can talk to her about anything. If I don't have an older brother (in real life, I do have an "internet" one, though :D), at least I can have an older sister!

<3

The Question You've Always Wanted Me to Answer...

Why Do I Want an Older Brother?

Those of you who have been following my blog for a while know what my number one wish is.

Yes, you groaned correctly: an older brother.

*sigh* The subject seems old, tired, and dusty to me. It's such a part of me and the way I think, that every time I have to think about it, it feels overdone. Wanting an older brother is like breathing to me. I want one, and that desire sits at the back on my mind 24/7.

But...why? We all know how much I want one, just judging by the posts that talk about it:
My Biggest Wish
Sunny Sundays and Protocol
Questioning God
Challenge and Update
Top Five
Lost: One Beautiful, Red LG Shine Cell Phone
Jace Wayland
Observing the Male Specimen
Another Amazing Day!
Post 200: The Mission Trip and Him
*mutters and moans*
Change
Mary and Martha: God's Custom-Made Love
Character Day: Taking Sibling Rivalry To a Whole 'Nother Level

That is 14 posts, folks. All have at least SOMETHING to do with my desire for an older brother.

But the question remains:

WHYYYYYY?????????

I was a pretty happy little kid, but from the time I could talk (literally), I've asked for only one thing consistently: an older brother.

When I was two, my parents calmly explained to me that that was impossible. God had given me to them first, not a boy.

Even at that young age I was nobody's idiot. I remember staring back at my parents, wondering if they were really that slow.

"ADOPT."

I mean, really? This is not rocket science, folks. Of course, my parents told me that adopting wasn't possible at the time. We weren't rich by any stretch of the imagination, and they didn't feel like God was calling them to do that right then.

So, whatever. I decided to take matters into my own hands. If I couldn't have a real brother, I would have to fake it. All my imaginary games began to incorporate a "big brother". Then I started claiming these two teenaged twin boys at my old church: Jeremy and Jason. They were fifteen years older than me, but I figured they'd do. I liked them, so I started telling everyone that they were my brothers. I guess people thought a sweet little two year old wouldn't lie, so they started believing me. That left my parents in an interesting position when word got around to them about their extra kids...

When I was five, we left our old church and started the awesome one I go to now. Wh--

Oh, DANG IT. I just let the cat out of the bag. *sigh* Yes, my Daddy's a pastor. Don't judge me XD

When we left our old church, I was brother-less for a while, but not for too long. I was going to find a brother, that was for sure. Every older guy that I met I mentally auditioned. I met a few, even asked one if he'd be my older brother when I was about seven, but that didn't go over well.

Even though I knew it was useless, I prayed for an older brother all the time. It was what I wished for on every single birthday cake and every time I saw a first star, I wished for an older brother. I was just so lonely without one. Nothing was good without one. It seemed like the world's largest injustice.

When I was eight, Gabrielle and her older brother started coming to our church. They were nice, and after a while, I became best friends with Gabrielle. She was into the same pretend-games I was, and we had all the same weird interests. One of the coolest parts was that her brother (let's call him Him) would play with us!

It took me a whole year before I started realizing that He was the brother I'd always wanted. I mean, I was still begging my parents to adopt. Of course, by this time, my dad insisted that he did not want to bring a strange teen-aged boy into the house with me and my sister.

So, GREAT, Dad, you've MISSED THE WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY. You could have adopted YEARS ago, but you waited until I was too old???

Anyway, "He" was absolutely everything I'd ever thought of, plus so much more. He treated me just like a sister, I treated him like a brother. He would play with me, talk to me, protect me, make me laugh, explain things to me. I loved him and trusted him more than any other guy in the world (Daddy excluded).

He played imaginary games with us every night after Wednesday night Bible study. Me, Lizzy, Gabrielle, Matt ("little brother") and Katie ("little sister") would all run outside to the swing-set in the summertime and wait for him to come play with us. Our games were not your normal ones; no tag or hide-'n'-go-seek. We played one of three things: Orphans, Slaves or Orphan Slaves. Chiefly the latter.

In the wintertime when it was too dark to play outside after Bible study, we'd play a different version in the preschool Sunday school room.

I have tons of memories that include Him, most of them good, although there are a few times I wish hadn't happen, haha. Mainly the time he rolled over on my leg while we were on the trampoline when I refused to get off.

Still, he was the most amazing "brother" in the world. I was finally "happy" for the first time in eight years. God had finally heard me! I had a brother! I was so happy I'd lie in bed at night and just smile. God was awesome, everything was good.

I didn't appreciate "Him" as much as I should have. I figured that was fine. I mean, he wasn't going anywhere. He'd always be around. I figured I had my whole life to love him and live around him. Who cared about carpe diem? I would always have cras (tomorrow)!

Unfortunately, I was wrong.

The February I turned thirteen, He and Gabrielle stopped coming to our church.
They stopped coming to Bible study.
I stopped seeing Him altogether.

That was hard. That was...really, really hard.

You know the phrase "You never know what you've got until it's gone"? Well, I understand that so much more now.

It felt like God had dangled joy in front of me, gotten me accustomed to it, and then snatched it back. Why would God give my an older brother and then just take him away again?? Wasn't it enough not to have one in the first place??

I used to cry all the time, every night. My journals were filling up with Him Memories, trying to salvage what I could. I didn't want to talk about Him anymore. If anyone said his name, I would leave the conversation. I didn't want to forget about him, but remembering him made me want to cry. I was mad at Him, I was mad at God, I was made at His and Gabrielle's mom for taking Him and Gabrielle away. (I could always see Gabby at parties and have her over, but I'd never have a reason to see Him ever again.)

I know this is going to sound really melodramatic, but it felt like there was a Hole in My Heart.

So, there's a brief history of my brother problems, but it still doesn't explain WHY I crave an older brother.

As I think about it, I almost wonder if it's been bred into me or something. Not by a parent or anything, but by ME. Was it just a childish whim that I nourished until it's become this overwhelming desire? Is the hole in my heart just...manufactured?

The need for an older brother is very present in the way I think. I feel lonely, like I used to have something that was taken away, or I'm supposed to have something I don't. Like there's a piece of my life missing. It honestly feels like I'm living a mistake.

I also know my dad would really like a boy, too. I mean, he has a half brother, but he had all girls, too. This is the generation my family name dies. If I had had an older brother, "Logan" could have lived on. I know Daddy wishes he had a boy, but not instead of me or anything. I know he wouldn't trade me or Lizzy for ANYTHING, but I still sort of feel bad sometimes, you know? Like I should have been the boy or something, and that would have fixed everything. Daddy would have a son. He wouldn't have to show his daughter all the stuff about tools and yard work just because he has no one else to tell. Lizzy would have an older brother at least.

I also feel kind of lonely a lot. Not for lack of friends, but for lack of...a brother. I don't like being the oldest, and I want someone to look up to, to help me out, to talk to, to protect me if I were ever in trouble.

In a lot of ways, I feel like I'm the older brother. I'm the one who kills the spiders, looks into the weird noises Lizzy hears in the basement, checks behind the closet doors, likes the gory movies, enjoys trekking through the woods, and annoys my little sister. I don't like being the "older brother", I wish I had someone else to do it.

Does any of this make any sense? I probably seem like a complete psycho, don't I?

*sigh*

Maybe there *is* something wrong with me. But whatever. I want an older brother, and this was my attempt at figuring out why.

Character Day: Taking Sibling Rivalry To a Whole 'Nother Level

FIRST: Thanks, Lady Brainsample, for following! I love your name.
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Character Day:

One of my own today--a character that resulted from my temporary obsession with Chinese culture.

Of course, to have a story set in actual China would be too simple. I have to create my own fantasy world based on China (see, that way if I get half my facts wrong, it's not wrong because it's MY world. See how it works? XD). I have no idea how exactly Chinese the culture will be. I've added some things, and will probably change some things, too. The one-child rule was ditched because of my obsession with big families.

Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever written a story about an only child...(Well, Darren is an only child).

Anyway. Back to my character. Her name is Gembira, and she's fifteen years old. She has twelve siblings, including a twin brother.

The culture she lives in is much like China in its system of honor and respect, but I added the rule that your older siblings are also to be honored and respected, and boys are generally valued over girls (not an original concept, especially for Chinese culture).

This creates a very interesting relationship between Gembira and her twin brother, Gan. Gembira is the older of the two, but Gan is a son. Who has more authority? They often have arguments over this, but at the same time share a close mental and emotional bond.

Gembira's personality is curious and unsatisfied with life, but she mostly sticks to tradition and obeys the rules of society. However, in her mind she is constantly questioning the status quo. She's the third daughter in her family, preceded by Darpana, the practical and harsh "oldest daughter", and the long-suffering but unimaginative Fara.

Gembira struggles between trying to be the perfect daughter and wanting to question the family's way of life. She feels that she has just as much to offer as her brothers, but she has trouble accepting those thoughts as legitimate because of her upbringing.

The story (if it goes anywhere) will begin with Gembira's oldest older brother getting married, followed by a terrible fight between her and Gan (her twin brother). The argument becomes so severe that it is brought to the attention of the parents. Father sides with Gan, being a son, and Mother follows his lead. It is decided that [insert something terrible that I haven't decided yet] is to happen to Gembira.

By this time, even Gan is horrified and wants to help his twin sister, but cannot go against his parents. He decides to help Gembira escape somehow.

The story from there is fairly generic in my mind so far: Gembira is thrust into the world where men rule and girls drool, and she probably gets the help of an "unlikely friend" (how cliche, I know), and discovers more about herself and the status quo and how it's unfair.

OR.

Gan might end up going along with her for some reason and that same stuff happens.

It probably won't be that generic, but I haven't thought through the plot very far yet XD

So, there's Gembira, a curious and unsatisfied victim of unfair upbringing struggling to find herself, no thanks to her power-hungry but close twin brother.

:D

For all the other family-and-character-obsessed people, here's a handy list of all the things you didn't need to know about Gembira's family. The list includes the names of her siblings, their ages, and their name meanings. I found some pictures from Google that sort of look like the character. You can click on their name to see the picture (I didn't have much luck at all with the brothers). Sorry Gembira is in a bathing suit. There's no reason for that except that her face looked kind of like I imagined her looking. *shrug*

Name - gender (hey, it's hard to know by the names sometimes!) - age - name meaning

1. Aran – brother - 25 – forest
2. Bien – brother - 23 – sea
3. Eun – brother - 21 – silver
4. Darpana – sister - 19 – mirror
5. Chet – brother - 18 – brother
6. Fara – sister - 16 – flower
7. Gembira – sister - 15 – happy one (Ironic, right?)
8. Gan- brother - 15 – dare; adventure
9. Hikari – sister - 14 – light; shining
10. Izanami – sister - 12 – welcomes others
11. Jun – brother - 11 – obedience
12. Kiet – brother - 9 – honor
13. Lek – brother - 7 – small person
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Gracie and Krevan both got the answer right to yesterday's Fact or Fiction.

China is considering renouncing its one-child law.

FALSE. That law is here to stay, at least for a while. They are, however, allowing families to have two children IF both the mother and father were only children. Interesting, isn't it?

Sorry, Krevan, you were just a little too late! Congratulations, Gracie, for being the first correct guess! Here's your award:

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Today's been fine. It's raining, so that means the church thing was canceled, so that means I can go to play practice!! Yay! As much as I was looking forward to hearing the church band play, I'm glad I get to got to play practice. I really do love it.

I've listened to NOTHING except Mulan (oh, well, I listened to the LotR soundtrack while I did math, as usual) for about 48 hours. I have never, ever, ever been so totally emersed in something in my whole entire life. (With the exception of being consumed by physical science during exam week last year.) I listen to Mulan, think Mulan, read Mulan, quote Mulan, dream Mulan. I've listened to the CD five times in two days (it's 57 tracks long, people), and had Mulan dreams several nights in a row. I've had nothing but Mulan songs running through my head absolutely-no-freakin'-lie-CONSTANTLY for three days now.

Miraculously, I still love it. Completely do. I don't see how it's possible, but I do. (Haha, I've still got three weeks to go, though.)

School is school. *shrug* Nothing really new there. "Pilgram's Progress" = FTL, but maybe a little less than before.

Still drowing in Latin, but not quite as badly.

Writing...well, Gembira's story has been getting on fairly well for me. (Fairly well meaning a page and a half and ton of back story and character sketches, lol!)

Thanks for reading, I love hearing from you!!

P.S. Also, don't forget tomorrow is Question Day! If you have a question, no matter how weird, awkward (within reason XD), random, generic, or silly, I'd love to hear it!

Mary and Martha: God's Custom-Made Love

So, today was definitely a cool day.

1. Cavender came to my church.
2. The sermon really spoke to me.
3. I had the first play practice.

I'll talk about the second cool thing last; it'll be my thing for God Day.

So, Cavender came to my church today! That was cool. He said he really liked the music, which is my favorite, too. I think our church really does have awesome music, and the band members are all really into.

Play practice went well, I think. We just did a read-through of the script and listened to the songs on a CD. Mushu (the little dragon) is played by a girl who definitely does it justice. The girl who plays Mulan is awesome. The guy who plays Captain Shang (Shang + Mulan = falling in love, duh ;D) is pretty good. He can sing pretty well. If he can just hide that southern drawl a little...Lol! No, really, he did fine. Mulan's father is...not good, and neither is the Emperor. I think the guys were just nervous, though. And it was the very first read through.

I'm, just in case you didn't know this, doing the voice for a big Hun puppet -.- Lols, I'm okay with it now, though. I'm also in the Ensamble (yay for singing and dancing with everyone else), and a hairdresser. I forgot to mention that last night. The hairdresser is going to be my favorite, probably. It's a tiny part with no real lines, but in a song, a have a quick singing-line all my myself, and then some with the other hairdressers and stuff. I picked out a couple of harmony parts, so I'm looking forward to being able to do them. I really hope I get a harmony part and not just the melody...
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God Day!

So, the sermon today was about Lazarus. Let me just do a quick run-through of this story. It helps me to do that. So, Jesus and his diciples are just kind of hanging around, and a messenger comes and says to Jesus, "Lord, the one you love is sick."

The messenger is talking about Lazarus. Lazarus and his sisters Martha and Mary are good friends of Jesus', so they figured Jesus would want to know that Lazarus was sick. Really sick. Like, about-to-die sick.

Instead of going right to Lazarus' house, Jesus is just kind of like, "Oh, yeah, okay" and he hangs out in the little town where he is for a few more days.

Finally, he says to his diciples, "Okay, let's go see Lazarus. He's fallen asleep, and we'll just go wake him up."

The diciples are like, "Uh, but isn't sleep probably the best thing for him?"

Jesus: "I mean he's dead."

They go to see Lazarus, and when they're close to his house, Lazarus' sister Martha comes out and says to Jesus, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother wouldn't have died. But I know that even now, God will give you whatever you want."

She's pretty much saying, "I know you're the Messiah, so why didn't you DO SOMETHING?"

She's kind of mad. She's like, if you're so amazing and powerful, why didn't you stop this from happening? Why didn't you FIX IT?

*cough* That might sound just a little familiar...maybe...

May 24th: "Then four years later, God takes him away. Uh, ouch. Thanks a lot, God."

July 17th: "WHY COULDN'T I HAVE HAD BROTHERS? IS ONE BROTHER TOO MUCH TO ASK? ONE? ONE??"

August 2nd: "Why had God taken Him away from me? Why on Earth would a good God do that? It's like someone punching you in the face."

March 23rd: "God created the Heavens and the Earth, surely he could give me my older brother!!"

...

Hmm.

A little later, the other sister, Mary falls at the feet of Jesus and says, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother wouldn't have died."

The way she says it is more like, "How could you be so unkind to your friends?"

Don't you love me, God? Why would you let this happen? Don't you care?

Of course, Jesus ends up raising Lazarus from the dead, but only after he meets both sisters where they are. With Martha, he takes the logical route.

Martha's argument is a simple Modus Ponens:

If you are the Messiah, then you could have saved my brother.
You are the Messiah.
Therefore, you could have saved my brother. (And yet you didn't.)

Jesus talks to Martha about how her brother will rise again. Martha is kind of like, "Yeah, thanks, I know he'll rise again at the ressurection and all."

Jesus says, "I am the ressurection!"

He's like, Martha, listen to me! I AM the ressurection! It's me, it's here! Your brother will rise again.

Mary comes to Jesus not from the logical and theological angle, but from the emotional, friend-to-friend angle. Jesus cries with her. He's really sad! Lazarus was his friend! He's upset. He cries with Mary.

Jesus meets us right where we are. Right where we need to be met. Whether it's logical or emotional, or somewhere in between.

As my pastor said in the sermon this morning (ALL of this is borrowed STRAIGHT from him, by the way), "God's love is not one size fits all, or most. God custom fits his love for us."

That was a great sermon anyway, but add on my whole issue with God not giving me a brother, then giving me one and taking him a way, and the sermon is flat out AMAZING.

It COULD NOT have been more spot on. I come to God from Martha's angle, as demonstrated in my post excerpts. God, you created the Heavens and the Earth. And you didn't give me a brother?? If you're so great, fix this injustice!

I also come to God from Mary's angle a little. God, if you love me, why would you do something so unkind? Why dangle my life's desire in front of my face, and snatch it back? Don't you care for me?

I know this has been a very long post, and sort of jumbled and probably at parts unclear, but I just needed to get in writing how much this morning's sermon hit me. Everything was exactly fit to ME! This story is, literally, ANCIENT, and I've heard it, probably also literally, A HUNDRED TIMES, and it's never been so clear to me.

Every detail fits me. It's even about losing a brother and being mad at God because he could have prevented it and didn't.

It takes my breath away, y'all.

I could elaborate more, but I know you must be tired of the ranting, so I'll stop. I just want you to know that I KNOW that God is watching out for us. He knows what he's doing. And every once in a while, he might throw an tired ol' Bible story at you and revel a whole new meaning.

Thanks, God.

Change

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a few days! It's just been kind of busy, and I haven't felt like posting.

Today was fun! Daniel (14), Emily (12), and Caleb (10) came over to swim in the lake. Unfortuantely, it rained a lot, so at first we were trapped inside playing Monopoly (that lasted about ten minutes), and Break the Safe (we actually made it through the whole game). After lunch, we went down to the lake, and had LOTS of fun. We flipped the giant tube over, and played king of the hill a little. I barely played. I figure my chances of winning were slim and none since I can't even knock Matt ("little brother", age almost-13) off anymore. I did knock Caleb off once, though. Watching big-brother-little-brother interaction is always kind of hard for me, but I like it still. It just reminds me of how things used to be, and how things have changed.

It was just a lot of fun. I love hanging out with them.

Other than that, I've been keeping my room pretty clean (I know, I know, I marked THAT day on the calender), packing my new pink and charcoal backpack with school stuff, and reading "Beowulf", which I should have started earlier. Like, maybe seventh grade. It's amazing how much the English language has changed over the years.

The old English isn't too bad to read, not after Shakespeare last year, but the names are awful! I can't pronounce but three of them, and almost all of them begin with H! Haelfdene, Halga, Hrothgar, Heorogar, Heoro, the list go on and freakin' on! It's crazy! *moan* But I'm gettin' through it. Somehow.

"The W Chronicles" character sketches and outlines are going pretty well. I'm starting to really like Tyler (she's a girl, just so you know). She's kind of a cool character. I'm also trying not to start crushing on my own guy characters. *sigh* That tends to happen kind of a lot. Not really with Darren, surprisingly. He's more of a brother-feeling character to me. Paige is more of a daughter almost. The character (of my own) that I had the biggest crush on was this guy named Jayden. Man, he was awesome. I mean, the writing isn't anything amazing, I just really love his character. That hasn't changed over the years. I still fall for the same kind of character.

I'm listening to "Had a Bad Day", chipmunk version. Love it.

I'm also reading the first Harry Potter (have I said that before?). Honestly, so far, I don't even like it. I'm on chapter, like, three, but I just can't get into it. It's too cartoony and I can't stand Harry. Maybe it'll get better as I read on. It's weird, though, because this used to be the kind of thing I'd just eat up. Guess I've changed...

Now I'm watching Michael Jackson's Thriller video. The special effects are so good considering how old this thing is. Haha, I love the part where I flashes over to the theater, and everyone is cringing except Michael, who's eating popcorn and grinning. Lols :) And I love the part where he asks, "You were scared, weren't you?" and his girlfriends is like, "I wasn't that scared." And she walks off. And Michael kind of giggles and is like, "*hehe* You were scared..." Just watch it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtyJbIOZjS8&feature=related Too bad he changed and got all weird.

Omg, this made me cry this time. I don't even know why. Something seems different or something. The song "The Call" from the movie Prince Caspian? Do you know it? I don't know why, but this time, it felt really...I don't know. It just made me cry. And I don't usually cry anymore, so that was weird. Here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9CvaTrg8Frg

Anyway, um...I had so much to say, but now I can't remember any of it! Oh well.

OHHHHHHH, DUH! Today is Quote Day! And I need to do Picture Day and Word Day, too.

Quote Day: "But just because they can't feel it too, doesn't mean that you have to forget." a line in "The Call."

Picture Day:

What is this a picture of? My opinion? Change. Yours? Comment or email me.

Word Day: Change. Is it good or bad? Sometimes one, sometimes the other. The Call: "Just because everything's changing, doesn't mean it's never been this way before."

Lots to think about, guys. Listen to The Call. It's such an amazing song. The lyrics are in the description if you click "more info". I recommend it.

P.S. It looks like the names Kieran and Vega are winning for the name of my assassin girl, and Word Day and Carpe Noctem Day are going to be kicked out! Disagree? GO VOTE!

*mutters and moans*

I'm burning up. *moan* I haven't been able to cool off since lunch. We ate at a pizza place that was way hot, and I haven't cooled down since. *moaaaaan*

And now I also have a headache, and my throat feels funny. *hangs head sadly*

Sorry. I'm in kind of a pitiful mood. I'm going to try to suck it up and move on.

'Kay, so, it's God Day, and I have an idea, but I feel so pathetic, I wouldn't be able to write anything very well anyway.

What I've been doing lately: reading Maximum Ride: Angel Experiment. It was very good. Favorite character: Fang, the strong, silent type. Yay, Fang.

I'm also halfway watching the Hannah Montana "brother-a-thon" and wishing I were Miley Stuart.

OW! I just bashed my elbow on the counter!

*mutters evilly*

Okay, I'm leaving. I have no idea why I feel so crappy, but I'm going to just go get some juice or something and read the next book in the Maximum Ride series.

Sorry for being pathetic :(

Post 200: Mission Trip, and Him

This is post #200, y'all! Wow, okay, I know this is weird, but I feel all this pressure to make this an amazing post, lol! That's why I didn't post yesterday; I was busy all day and didn't have enough time to write anything worthy of the title "200th Post". So, I waited. Hopefully, this will be worth it for you :)

Okay, I have so much to say!!

1. Mission Trip Update
2. Run Down About Last Night
3. Apology for My Last Crabby Post
4. God Day

This may be a long post.

Mission Trip Update:

Honestly, there is no way to fit everything in. I'm going to resort to my essay-type way of organizing:

What: A mission trip with Group Workcamps Week of Hope! The way it works is your youth group goes, and then you're split up into a lot of different groups mixed in with other youth groups. The first year our youth group did this, our youth group was so small that we were all completely split up, no one from our youth group was with anyone else from our youth group. This year, there were 24 of us, so we were all with someone from our own group.

Who: In my crew, I had Matt (my "little brother"), but he was the only person I knew. Besides him, I had a crew leader who acted like he didn't want to be there, a Catholic girl who cussed her brains out, a boy who was fun, a boy who acted spiritual during prayer time, but never followed through, a girl who was nice but quiet, and me. We were working with another crew who had Gabrielle in it, and another boy from our youth group, Michael. Also in that group were a fun guy named Joe, a total city-girl leader (but she was very nice), and a spoiled-but-sometimes-fun girl.

Where: Nashville, TN. It was hot and muggy and buggy, but really not that bad. It rained Tuesday and some of Wednesday and Thursday. What I was actually doing was working with a group called Lifestyle Ministries. They recently got kicked out of their building, so my crew was helping them fix up some trailers and stuff to use in the meantime.

When: Our youth group met at our church building last Saturday at 8pm for a lock-in!! It was SO MUCH FUN! We stayed up all night until 6am when we loaded ourselves into the four vehicles we were taking and started our trip to Nashville. We slept some, but I only rally got three hours of sleep, which was fine. We were having too much fun to sleep.

Why: Because we want to serve people, grow in Christ, and have a total blast!

The sleeping arrangments: Our girls were split into two rooms because of our large number. I was in a room with Brianna, Ellie B, a girl named Jessica, a girl named Cassidy, Gabrielle, my sister Lizzy, and one of our youth leaders, Kathie. The room was a good size; just big enough for all seven air matresses, all our crap, and a little walking space in between, lol! The only real complaint I have about the sleeping arrangement was that it was SO FREEZING a couple of the nights. It was actually difficult to sleep it was so cold. Oh, and the rug had not been vaccuumed in AGES. It was utterly disgusting. But, you got used to it XD

The volunteer staff: Horribly. Mean, grouchy, unfair, ungodly, unfun, BLECKO. But, we managed to have fun inspite of the evilness. (One of the ladies actually told one of our boys who was kneeling at the cross praying that he had to go to bed because it was "lights out time". How lame is that?)

The programs: Not as meaningful to me personally as other years have been, but still nice. It was a good way to regroup after a long day and praise God. Even if the worship team sounded like a strangled goose trying to play guitar with its feet and keep time with its wings.

Overall: Sucess! I felt like I grew a lot closer to the youth group, and closer to God as well. Ellie B is such an incredible...I don't know, mentor almost. She's such a fun person who helps me see God in a different perspective.

Let's get personal for a minute (**WARNING**: PERSONAL AND SLIGHTLY MUSHY SECTION. IF YOU WISH TO SKIP OVER THIS, YOU MAY): Wednesday was "Emotional Night", where the program is the most meaningful, and people spend a lot of time with God in prayer, and usually end up crying. I did not cry the first while. I actually left with a bunch of people to go to another room and wait for the ones who were.

Then, I started feeling like I had cheated myself. I hadn't really taken the program very seriously because it was...well...sort of lame. I realized, though, that just because the program wasn't as good as usual, that didn't mean I couldn't get something out of it anyway.

I went back to the big room, where the only people left were people from our youth group. We take things very seriously, WAY more seriously than the other youth groups there, at least. One guy was at the foot of the cross praying. I sort of felt led to sit beside of him. He was the only one up there, and I felt like he would want someone to join him. So I did.

I started thinking, too, about why I'm not close to God. Y'all might think that I am, but I'm not. I'm really, really, REALLY NOT. I rarely pray, and when I do, the prayers are deep, but very short, and usually when I'm in bed going to sleep, so I end up dozing off.

Mostly, that's because I'm angry at God a lot. For reasons that seem very petty, too, but they aren't to me. Things that would roll right off some people really bother me, and still do.

I know loving someone at 12/13 is supposed to be impossible. Loving someone *really* at least. Having crushes, of course, anyone can have, but really, honest-to-goodness loving someone doesn't happen until at least your teenage years. Or so people think. Or so I thought.

I really loved someone, you guys. Maybe you won't or can't understand, but I really loved this person. It wasn't mushy, I didn't have a crush on him, I just loved him so much. I didn't even realize it. I'd known him since I was 8 years old, and I didn't even know that I loved him. He was a part of my life, a precious, irreplaceable part that I so took for granted.

If this helps you understand, he was like my older brother. Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while know how much I wish I had an older brother. It's the one thing I would wish for if I had one wish. It's what I think about when I blow out my birthday candles. It's what I want when I see a shooting start. It's how I close my prayers at night. I want an older brother, and for 5 years, I had one.

Five happiest years of my whole life. I was finally fulfilled, finally, whole, finally happy. He was like my brother. I loved him like a brother, and he treated me like a sister. He explained things to me, he made me laugh, he protected me. He was everything I could have ever asked for a million times over. I loved him a lot, but I never thought about it much because I figured he would always be here. He was like the rest of my family, I could affored to take them for granted because there would always be time to appreciate them later.

I didn't realize that he meant so much to me until he left.

His family stopped coming to our church, they stopped coming to my school, and his mom was unhappy at my family and our church for a reason that I don't know to this day.

All the sudden, after five years of having my dream, loving someone so much that if I thought about it, it hurt, he was gone. I stopped seeing him, and only then did I realize how much he meant to me, how much I depended on him.

I was shocked by the pain of losing him. Love like this doesn't happen at twelve, I scolded myself. You can't hurt like this at my age! Stop being so dramatic!

I told myself I was being ridiculous, that it was hormones or something, but it still hurt, almost physically. I didn't want to think about Him, but I didn't want to forget Him either. It was a constant battle of mind vs. heart every day, every moment.

I cried myself to sleep every night. I prayed so hard that His family would come back to church. Every time He wasn't there, I had to go to the bathroom and force back tears.

All this sounds stupid, ridiculous even to me, but I can't begin to stress the truth of it to you. I'm not exaggerating, I'm not being melodramatic, although my friends told me I was for years.

I finally told my parents what was wrong more than a year later, and they actually believed me. They were the first people to really get it. They told me that what I was experiencing was a kind of unconditional love that the other girls my age were just having trouble understanding yet. Knowing that I wasn't crazy made a world of difference, and I didn't cry that night after I told them.

I was better for a few weeks, but the pain kept coming back. It was better, but still there.

This whole aftermath thing has been going on for 42 months, and I've learned to hide the pain very well. My friends got tired of listening a long time ago, and eventually my parents even started using the generic responses, "I know you miss Him, but just give it more time. Don't try to hold on to this, Kendra."

I was actually doing very well with this until Wednesday, Emotional Night. I've learned to push this back into my mind, where it's still there, but I don't have to think about it. It's not a bad way to deal with this, it's practical and helpful, but as I sat at the foot of the cross, I just couldn't really pray with it lurking over my shoulder.

I was angry at God. Too angry to really get close to him. Why had God taken Him away from me? God had given me the one thing I'd always dreamed of, let me taste it, and then ripped it away from me again. Why on Earth would a good God do that? Ellie B assured me that God was there for me, and he wanted to help me. I believed her, but it's still like someone punching you in the face, then offering to get you some ice. If they just hadn't punched you in the face to begin with, you wouldn't need their stupid ice!

Ellie B helped me think back to that post I wrote a while ago, about trusting God, the author of my story. Bad things happen to me, but God knows the ending. Even thought I can't tell what he's doing, he has things worked out in the end. I don't know the ending, but I know it's good, and I know losing Him plays into that somehow.

I'm still struggling with that, and He still holds a very special part of my heart that I don't know if I'll ever get back, but I think I'm starting to really work through this. I'm starting to trust God a little more, and believe that he really does have my best interests at heart. I know God loves, and I know he has the end of my story already outlined, I just have to trust him that he knows what he's doing.

**END PERSONAL AND SLIGHTLY MUSH SECTION.**

Sorry for dumping on you. I can't believe I just wrote all that. I haven't told many people at all about that. There are only three non-family members who know that. And I just put it out there on my blog for all to see. But I think that's a good thing. I think it's a sign that I'm finally starting to let it go, give it to God. I'm healing. Slowly, but surely, I'm healing.

No, that's not right. I'm not healing.

God is healing me.

You know, I know I was planning on telling about last night and posting something for God Day, but I think I'm just going to leave this like it is. Last night was fun, and filled with family and friends and wild golfcart rides through thorns and a horse, but I think I'm not going to go into detail. I typed out all the important things, the things that will really matter ten years from now.

Thank you for reading, and, please, carpe diem. Carpe diem before it's too late. Before that person you take for granted gets taken away. Carpe diem NOW. Not tomorrow, NOW.

Another Amazing Day!

Not much time.

Lake 11:00am-7:30pm.
Matt, Katie, lots of other people.
Big family again. Awesome.
Two girls (Kaitlin and Jessica) are coming over in a minute and spending the night.
Katie is spending the night, too.
I always think it's funny when Lizzy will go over to Katie's one night, and then the next night, Katie is over at our house.
Got sunburned on shoulders and face. Oh well. It was worth it.
Got to see Matt and Katie's cousins again for the first time in FOREVER. They're both absolutely *GORGEOUS* now and pretty fun. Kind of city girls, though, lol! I never realize how "country" I am until city people come.
Can't post on Carpe Noctem right now :( I'm too tired. The post would be really shallow and rotten. Plus, Kaitlin and Jessica should be here any minute now.

I've said it before, I'll say it again: I must be the luckiest girl in the world!!


P.S. I also had a dream last night that I had four brothers!!!!!!! Two older, two younger. And a bunch of sisters. One of the younger brothers was Matt! Lol! Maybe I'll tell you all about the dream sometime. I wrote it down. I always write down my interesting dreams, especially if they're about brothers. When I'm feeling pitiful, I read over them. Yes, I am weird.

P.P.S. THANK YOU, OURLIFESAVIOR FOR FOLLOWING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wow, I'm back up to 35 followers. Strange world, isn't it?

Observing the Male Specimen

Friends = Family

Family = Happiness

Happiness = Need To Capture Moment With A Post

Need To Capture Moment With A Post = Here I Am

We had those people over for dinner: Matt (12), Katie (10), Bwell (it's a nickname) (12), and the new boys Sam (12) and Joey (10). (And their parents, obviously.) The girl my age is at camp apparently, so she couldn't come.

I had so much fun. It was like having brothers. It was partly heart-warming, and partly heart-wrenching. I had the time of my life.

Boys are so violent, though. It's kind of fascinating to just watch them considering I DON'T HAVE ANY BROTHERS TO OBSERVE AT MY HOUSE. I had a bunch of my LiveStrong bracelets (those rubber bracelets) lying around that I was gonna throw away or give away, and before long, they were shooting them at each other. After a while, I just joined in.

Then, they just killed each other for a while. I don't know why boys have to try to kill each other FOR FUN. It doesn't make a lot of sense, but in a very strange way I still understand it.

*sob* I NEED A BIGGER FAMILY! WHY IS IT JUST ME AND LIZZY? WHY? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?? WHY COULDN'T I HAVE HAD BROTHERS? IS ONE BROTHER TOO MUCH TO ASK? ONE? ONE?? JOSEPH HAD ELEVEN FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE! IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE TO BE AN OLDER BROTHER! I'D SETTLE FOR YOUNGER! A TODDLER? SOMETHING! AHHHHHHHHHHH!

To make matters worse, Sam went over to Matt's house, and Lizzy went over to Katie's house (same house, but whatever), and now I'm ALL ALONE. I went from having a huge, amazing family WITH BROTHERS, to being a sad, lonely, only child.

Life is wonderful, life is sad.

But there's a reason for everything, right?

Right?

*sob*

Jace Wayland <3

I spent the night with Ellie B last night, and we talked about lots of stuff, some of it deep and meaningful, and some about how amazing Jace Wayland is.

He's a character in "The Mortal Instruments" trilogy. I don't know if you remember, but I read that a couple of weeks (a month?) ago. Well, Ellie read them, too, of course, and we're equally in love with Jace. He's so amazing. Hot, arrogant, a Shadowhunter (one of the best, I might add). He's just so awesome. I don't even know why.

Anyway, we hope it'll become a movie, but at the same time we don't. I mean, what if it ends up like "Twilight"? They don't do the movie justice, and then everybody and their brother is in love with it. I don't want "The Mortal Instruments" to become another pop-culture phenomenon that everyone ends up hating after three weeks. Jace is too awesome to be spoiled like that.

Isn't it wonderfully ironic that today is Picture Day? Because now I have an even better excuse for posting pictures of Jace! :)


I like this one, but it's not my favorite. Same. Good, but not the best.

I do love this one. Possibly a favorite.

Probably my favorite. It captures it all.

The actor is pretty cute, too, but, as usual, the character is the one I'm "in love" with. *sigh/moan* Figures :)

Last night was Gabrielle's 14th birthday party! That was really fun! Seriously. It was great. It was almost like "old times" in a couple of ways, and the "new times" weren't so bad either. I was really happy with the evening, and I think Gabby was, too! I'm always self-conscious about the presents I get people, but I think she was pleased. Yay! :)

That's all for now, folks! Talk to ya later! Look up "The Mortal Insturments"! Carpe diem!

Lost: One Beautiful, Red LG Shine Cell Phone

I'm back and fully functional!

I'm gonna do the lovely Name Day stuff before I jump into the recap of my life :)

NAME DAY!!

Name of the Day:

Cavender

How cool is that? I really love that name. I can't remember where I heard it...maybe I read it somewhere...At any rate, I haven't looked up the meaning yet, so let's see...

searching...

searching...

searching...

"The name 'Cavender' is not in any of our records."

"We're sorry, the name 'Cavender' could not be found."

"No information on 'Cavender'."

*blink*

That is...creepy.

Apparently, to the rest of the world, the name "Cavender" does not exist. This is really very odd indeed...that's never, ever happened before.

And I can't remember where I heard that name! All I remember is that I heard it and had to go do something really fast, so I jotted the name down on a Sticky Note so I wouldn't forget it.

Wow, that is so odd.

Anyway, sorry. That wasn't much of a name for Name Day without a meaning, but whatever.

Back to my life :)
------------------------
The practicum went great(ly)! It was the perfect ammount of tiring, difficult, and fun. There were some really great kids, and then some ones I hope I never see again ;) Just kidding (mostly).

I worked with Daniel in ArtGeo (6-8 year olds), which turned out to be fun. We ended up doing a lot of stuff because there were only the two of us as helpers. I like that better than having, like, four helpers. When there are too many helpers, no one gets to do anything.

I got asked if Daniel was my older brother six times. MADE. MY. DAY. Hey, if I can't actually have an older brother, I can at least have someone close enough to confuse little children.

Since this practicum was pretty close to our house, we didn't have to stay at someone's house or at a hotel. We just drove the forty-five minute distance every day (which was fine). But, we had to be the host family for two families who lived too far away to drive every morning.
Family one: Mom, Denise; daughter, Hannah (age twelve). There's more to their family, but only them came to the practicum.
Family two: Mom, Ginny; daughter, Kirstin (age eleven); daughter, Michelle (age nineteen). Again, more to the family, but only they came.

My little sister, Lizzy (age twelve), Hannah, and Kirstin already knew each other, so I knew that it would be an interesting three days having all three of them in the same house. Nothing could have prepared me for the endless hugging, fighting, bickering, laughing, screaming, tickling, complaining, bugging, loving, wildness of those three.

The first night, it took them about thirty seconds to warm up to each other, and then they were immediately really giggly, really loud, and really annoying (sorry, but it' the truth). I came downstairs and got on the computer to try to write, and they kept trying to read over my shoulder -_- Then, they kicked me off because they wanted to look at the songs on Lizzy's iTunes.

I went upstairs to watch some TV. I got really into the program, and they come barrelling up the stairs and say, "We want to watch a movie, so you have to leave." You see, we have two TVs in the house, but only one DVD player. I was like, "Uh, no." So, they got mad, but they left. Then, twenty minutes later, THEY'RE BACK and they decide to watch TV WITH me -_- They talk a lot during TV and movies.

The next day at breakfast, I just didn't even say anything. I knew if I opened my mouth, I was going to snap someone's head off. I was in a really bad mood, but I was controlling it because I knew I would have the whole forty-five minute car ride to listen to my iPod in the front seat of our van.

Well, I was in the front seat preparing to fire up my iPod when Daddy comes out and says, "I need you to stay and ride with Mrs. Denise so you can lock up the house." I'm like, "You're kidding right?" So, I get out, slam the car door for all I'm worth, and wait around for Mrs. Denise to get ready to leave.

Moments later, she's ready and we drive to the church where the practicum is.

The rest of the day was great!

It comes time to leave, and the prospect of riding home with the Giggling Three is too much at the end of a day filled with bratty six-year-olds and eating nasty turkey sandwiches with no pepper, so I ask Mrs. Keri if I can ride home with them. Mrs. Keri is David and Daniel (a.k.a. my "brothers")'s mom. They were coming over to our house for a cookout anyway, so that worked out great. An hour or so with the boys was just what I needed to give me a break from the girls.

The cookout was lots of fun, and it was the most delicious ever. We had perfectly seasoned grilled chicken, rolls, red and green peppers and onions that were seasoned and grilled, and the best spicy seasoned fries ever. WOW, it was good :)

Day 3 of the practicum was fine, but tiring. By the end, I was half glad it was all over and half sad because I really do love working with kids.

We came home after eating out on Day 3 and watched "Star Wars: Episode 5".

That's when I noticed my cell phone was missing.

My first heart-pounding, panicked thought is, "Well, I'll just call it." But, whoops, I forgot; IT DIED.

I racked my brain for when I was sure I had it: in the afternoon at ArtGeo, I pulled it out to see what time it was only to notice that it was dead. I was fairly sure I'd had it when we went into the restaurant, too, but I couldn't be sure.

So, I stressed about that all night. No way was I going to tell my parents. Do I look suicidal to you?

I thought about calling Daniel and asking him if he had seen it or found it, but his number was in my phone -_-

So, to destress myself, I called Ellie B. We chatted for a while until Daddy made me get off the phone because I'd forgotten to empty the downstairs trash.

I killed time all afternoon, worrying. I added up how many pages worth of NEW books I had read so far this sumer, and guess how many pages I've read? Are you ready?

7,335. Maybe not that impressive. I don't really know.

Finally, the stress was too much. I told my mom about the cell phone after making her promise not to get mad. We looked EVERYWHERE :'(

She suggested looking in the van (again), but it wasn't there.

She suggested looking in my room (again), but it wasn't there.

She suggested maybe Daddy had found it and was just waiting to see if I would notice/say something. My reply: "He's not that...crafty. Only you would do that."

She suggested looking in Daddy's recliner, it WAS there!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!

My ridiculously good luck has not abandoned me yet! I must be the luckiest person in the world (besides the fact that I don't have an older brother).

And that was my last three days. Sorry I went on and on. It's okay if you didn't read it all, I'll still be glad to look back years from now and read over what happened the summer I was fifteen.

You know how I was all upset about turning fifteen because fourteen was so awesome? Well, I love fifteen!! It's even better than fourteen! I've changed my mind, fourteen isn't the perfect age, fifteen is.

Sixteen on the other hand...

;)

Thanks for reading, go carpe what's left of this diem!

EDIT: OMG, MICHAEL JACKSON DIED! MICHAEL JACKSON IS DEAD! DEAD! HOLY COW! WHOA! What a crazy thing to happen. He's the first celebrity that I've "known" that has died. How...weird.

Top Five

Sorry. I haven't been posting. And I can't now either because I'm really tired and it's "late". Just a few things:

1. Practicum went well.
2. Having three little sisters would kill me (will elaborate later).
3. I got asked if Daniel was my older brother six times, which made my day.
4. We're watching Star Wars (we got that for my dad for Father's Day ).
5. Hate Chewbacca, love Darth Vader (what else is new?)

Okay, I have to go :( I'm being kicked off the computer because I sort of never made my bed this morning... :D TTYL!

Challenge and Update

Hi! It's sooo good to be home! And guess what? I'm here for almost a whole week before I have to leave town again! I won't be going to a practicum this time, I'll be going to this camp thing with my friend Brianna. It's kind of a mini-weekend thing. Thursday-Saturday. It sounded really fun, so I told her I would go. Yay!

This practicum was okay. I'm not nearly as tired after this one, so that's a giant plus. Also, the house we stayed at was *GORGEOUS* and the people were *AWESOME AND NICE*. The only real bad things were that I worked in Logic camp and ended up hating it, and one of the helpers IRRITATED ME TO NO END.

I thought I would LOVE logic, you know, but it turns out I hate working with 9-13 year olds. Hate it. I don't know why, but the 9 to 11 year olds are all brats, and the upper 11-13 year olds are all boring. *shrugs*

And then one of the helpers just got on my nerves. He was so weird. And VERY immature. And he was sort of mean to this other little helper. And he was just SOOOOOO immature!! GOSH! Lol :)

When we got home today, we chilled for an hour, then ate a quick supper and went to a play that this guy from our church is in. The play was "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat". I love that play! I had seen it once before when the Broadway version came through, and then we have the Donny Osmond version on DVD.

The play was so good! Joseph was good. He had super curly hair, and he was a good singer. The narrator was AMAZING though. Even better than the one that travels with the Broadway version (my mom and I saw that a year or so ago). The show was really well done. There weren't many props, but somehow everything was still elaborate...I don't know how to describe it. Some of the brothers were around my age, so it was cool to see that.

NEW THING: I want to be an actress.

Not because I saw this play or anything like that, though. It's something I've been wanting to do for a month or so now. I don't know how serious the desire is. I mean, I REALLY want to be an actress right now, but the urge came on so quickly; I'm sure it could disappear equally quickly. The funny thing is, four different people tonight told me I should act in one of the next plays. Maybe it's a God thing? I don't know.

I am going to looking into *maybe* doing "Mulan" and/or "The King and I". I would just audition and then take whatever part I got. As long as it was a girl. Some girls in "Joseph" had to play guys, and I am NOT doing that, lol!

Back to "Joseph". I love that Bible story. It is my absolute FAVORITE. There are a few reasons for that, but I want to see if anyone can guess the main one. Just curious. I know some of you will if you're reading this (*cough* EllieBandGabrielleandLizzy *cough*), but I want to see if anyone surprises me.

Since this is Friday, that will be the Challenge: Figure out why the story of Joseph is Kendra's favorite Bible story.

If you don't know the story that well, here's a condensed (REALLY, *sadly* condensed) version.

Well, even though I'm not AS tired, I'm still pretty worn-out, so I'll just say a couple more things:

WE MIGHT BE GOING TO SEE "STAR TREK" SUNDAY AFTERNOON WITH DAVID AND DANIEL AND THEIR FAMILY!! HOW AWESOME IS THAT??!! I AM SO THRILLED! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

And I would like to point out the results of the "Star Trek" poll about whether or not you liked it. Well, only two options had any votes for them: the "I haven't seen it option" and the "I LOVED IT" option. Therefore (of the people who voted), if you saw it, you loved it! SO GO SEE IT!

Okay. I'm done.

Good night.

Quel du.

Carpe diem.

Over 'n' out.

Questioning God (not an original thought, just original wording)

Okay, so, let's say you've gone hiking. You're just walking along sweating and swatting gnats and hoping ticks aren't dropping on you when all the sudden this random guy pops up and invites you to his little cabin over there. Since this is a hypothetical situation, you agree. The guy leads you back to the cabin, and you both sit down on his porch and have a glass of lemonade.

Then he announces that he is Jesus, aka God (derr ;) ).

You can ask him one question. One question. ONE QUESTION.

Now, I know some of you don't believe in God. I know that at least three of you are opposed to the idea of God. Well, just pretend. This is not going to be a conversion thing, it's just an interesting exercise we did in youth group, so you're safe.

Now. What's your one question?

Let's think about it. You're face to face with God, and you can ask him anything you want. It probably won't be "Whose idea was it to make misquitos anyway? It was the Holy Spirit, wasn't it? I knew it. He's so transparent."

*clears throat*

Anyway.

So, think of your question.

Like, now. Stop reading and THINK OF YOUR QUESTION. Make it good. This is your one shot to take advantage of Mr. Omniscient.

Now that you (theoretically) have your question, here comes the interesting part: That's the thing that's holding you back from God.

Even if you're already a Christian, there are little things that make us hesitant to commit ourselves to God. I have about a million little things and maybe you do, too, but the one question you ask will probably show you what your biggest "problem" with God is. Interesting, isn't it?

(Here comes the part where I get personal and start RANTING. I'll understand if you want to stop reading right here.)

I didn't say my question outloud in youth group, because I'm sometimes closed like that. Somehow it's so much easier to write my true feelings than to say them to someone's face. *shrugs*

My question is going to seem silly. It's going to seem stupid, childish, unimportant, and almost petty, but here goes:

So, God; why didn't you give me an older brother?

And that's it. After I had my question in mind, that's when the youth leader was like, "The question you would ask God is what's holding you back. That doubt is the main reason why it's hard to commit yourself to God." (Or, you know, something like that.) And I thought to myself,

Oh.

That's it. That's true.

That really is what's holding me back.

I may have said this before, but bear with me (if you're still with me at all). As long as I can remember, I've wanted an older brother. It's what I pray for every night, what I wish for one every first star, what I read some books for. Almost as soon as I could talk, that's what I asked my parents for. They explained that God hadn't given them a boy first. He had given them ME. And I, at two years old, was like,

SO? ADOPT.

Well, THAT never happened. And ever since, I've been wishing I had an older brother. In some ways, I think all my problems would be solved if I did. Like, I really think that. Everything that bothers me or is hard for me would be solved or at least helped if I had an older brother.

I want an older brother so bad I sometimes get crazy-jealous around people who have older brothers. I tell Maddie all the time how lucky she is to have Ryan, and never to take him for granted. I DREAM about older brothers. I write the dreams down so I can read them later. I read over certain passages of certain books on a regular basis and try to imagine that I'm the girl in the story, the girl with the older brother.

I'm telling you, it's the one thing I would give anything for.

I can't think of ANY GOOD REASONS for God NOT to have given me an older brother. WHY DIDN'T HE? Having an older brother would have solved so many of my life's problems and caused none. How is it possibly better for me to be brotherless? It doesn't make any sense to me. At all.

Joseph had ELEVEN brothers. Ten of them older.

Would it really have made a difference if he had had NINE? God could have given me the extra.

*sigh* I know it has nothing to do with God "running out of" older brothers. He didn't give me one for a reason. I just really wish I knew what it was.

Wanna know the most disgusting thing about this whole thing?

God sorta gave me an older brother.

Yeah. When I was eight. This guy came along who was just like the older brother I'd always wanted. For the first time in my life, I was really happy. Everything was great. I was so happy. I was thrilled. Like never before, my life was complete. Nearly perfect.

Then four years later, God takes him away. His family decides they don't want to come to our church anymore. Like *THAT*, I never see him anymore.

Uh, ouch. Thanks a lot, GOD.

At least that's what it feels like to me.

*groans* Dang it, now I've gone and made it sound like I think God is this big, insensative jerk. I don't really think that. Not really. It's just that...well, I am sort of mad at God for not giving me the ONLY thing I wanted. God created the Heavens and the Earth, surely he could give me my older brother!!

And he could. But he didn't. Which tells me something:

There's a reason for it.

I sure don't know it, and I may never know, but there IS a reason, and it's all for the best. I just need to remember that.

So, what's your one question? What's keeping you from turning to God?

(Sorry about all the ranting. I feel really bad about blurting all that out now. But after taking all the trouble to type it, I think I'll just keep it. *sigh*)

P.S. *GASP* I have another follower! Emma, YOU ROCK!!

Sunny Sundays and Protocol!

So, today was AWESOME.

Sunny, warm, church was good, I'm reading "The Princess Bride", which is SO FUNNY!! I recommend it to anyone. Anyone. Girls, boys, little kids, big kids, old ladies, everyone. (And if any elderly women are reading this, please don't be offended by that last bit :D)

Right now my parents and little sister (Lizzy) are riding bikes. Why am I not riding my bike and getting the heck some exercise? Because my stomach hurts. But it's all good. Today's greatness makes up for any physical discomforts.

Today I sort of had an older brother. Not going to elaborate, but let's just say it felt good. Older brothers are the thing I envy above all else. There is not much I wouldn't give to have a real brother. For now I just have to create stories with older brothers and pretend they're real. And sometimes I dream that I have an older brother, which is always fantastic. Except then I wake up a little depressed because it was a dream. But not too depressed because it was such an awesome dream.

I need to get a grip. I'm rambling. Majorly. And using weird, big words. *shrugs* I'm also reading the first book in "The Boxcar Chilrden" series. That might be why I'm talking kind of like an old-timey person. I don't really like the Boxcar Children, but the first book in the loooooooooong series is great because the kids fend for themselves in the woods and live in a boxcar and do lots of cool stuff with NO ADULT SUPERVISION!! What could be better?? :) Anyway, the rest of the books get on my nerves because they aren't living in the wild anymore. (Spoiler alert) They're living with their super nice grandpa and solve predictable mysteries in which all the adults involved are really nice and helpful and unrealistic. The kids also never say a cross word to each other, which is, HELLO, also very unrealistic. Even the nicest kids EVER have little arguments here and there. Except apparently not the BCs, of course.

My stomach is feeling much better. Now I wish I were outside riding my bike while the warm and sunniness lasts. (Is "sunniness" a word? I don't think so.)

"The Mirror" is at a standstill. It's not super depressing to me or anything, just a little annoying. I'm at the point where my mental outline is kind of fuzzy, and I don't really even know how to solve the problems I've created. (Don'tcha HATE that? When you make problems and conflicts SO STINKIN' GOOD that you can't even solve them for your own poor characters?? Haha, I'm probably the only one that's ever happened to...) And I don't really know how I want it to all end up...*sigh*

Oh, guess what?? I went to a fancy restaurant and an opera on Friday!! The whole thing was called Protocol, and it's something the high-schoolers in my homeschool program do. We get all dressed up and go to a fancy restaurant with a four course dinner and everything. And we have to act nice and use good manners :) I can do that. Believe it or not, I'm actually quite good at the fine points of ettiquette (even if I can't spell it). I even kept my cool when the guy served us fried green tomatoes with goat cheese. You think I'm kidding. I am NOT. It was NASTY. Unfortunately, some kids at my table were obviously particularly skilled in the good manners department. Their display of unseemly conduct was mildly embarassing and irritating. *shakes head* The opera was surprisingly really fun. It was called "The Marriage of Figaro" and it was a comedy. A romantic comedy. The story was good, although I don't think it would work for anything but an opera. It was, of course, sung in Italian, and the English translation was flashed on a banner above the stage. It was cool. And fun.

Well, I've wasted probably about ten minutes of your day. I won't waste any more :) Off to go read about either the most beautiful woman in the world and how her blood-thirsty fiance tries to ruin her life and the life of the man she loves (the highly recommended "Princess Bride") or about four disgustingly well-behaved orphan children surviving in the woods alone ("Boxcar Children")! Bye!

My Biggest Wish

Hello! We had my family dinner after church today. Roast beef and mashed potatoes and brownie pudding cake for dessert. YUM! My grandma that lives close came, and so did Matt and Katie and Mrs. Martha and Mr. Leon. Matt and Katie I've talked about before. They spent the weekend with us when their parents went on a vacation type thing.

Today was so much fun. The parents went to look at our new house in the afternoon, so we kids were left home alone (cue scary music :D). We played outside mostly. Matt found lots of nasty stuff to threaten to throw at us, and we played around doing all kinds of crazy things.

I really do wish we had a bigger family. I try not to go on and on about it like I did when I was little, 'cause I began to realize how much it bothered my parents, but I still really wish that. Having four kids would have been awesome. I love Lizzy to death, but I wish there were more. :( Especially an older brother. I know that's cheesy and, to some of you who have heard me gripe over the years, a worn-out complaint, but it's so very true. If I had one wish, it would be a three-way tie between perfect health, my books to have the power to come alive (mwahahaha :D), and an older brother. *sigh* I guess it's a little too late now, huh? Lol! :) Guess what my wish was when I blew out my candles?

Seriously, though, today was awesome. I'll definitely be treasuring it forever. Hope everyone else had a great day, too! And seriously, carpe diem. It's the only "today" you'll ever get.