Monday, September 28, 2009

Control

Thanks for following, Eruanna!!!
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So, I'm trying to decide if I want to ditch the schedule thing. I dunno. I made a poll about it, so if you want, you can vote about it. For today, at least, I'm going to skip Advice Day and just post something I've been thinking about:

Control.

It might be like this for everyone, but I've been thinking a lot about how I am deep down, what I want deep down, how I feel deep down, and you know what it all comes down to? Control. I like to be in control; I hate it when I am not.

Think about my top three fears. What do I say they are?

#1: Losing people close to me
#2: Disease
#3: Change

What do those three things all revolve around? Me not being in control.

Remember how I said that episode of Alias freaked me out a couple of days ago? Because it was about a creepy insane asylum?

As I laid in bed that night, I tried to figure out why it scared me. (That's another control-freak-y thing about myself. There is a reason for everything, and I have to know what it is.)

I was kind of disgusted with myself. Kendra: not afraid of blood or needles or death or panic, but freaked out by people with mental problems?? Not only is it a bit embarassing, it's mean! I felt horrible as I realized that I didn't want to be around or think about people who were crazy (really crazy, not the fun kind of crazy). It was judgmental and wrong, but the deep-seated terror remained.

I thought about it for a while. Why does that scare me? What about crazy people is so terrifying and unsettling to me? Other people I know don't have a problem with this. I decided to take it one step at a time.

Crazy people are not masters of their own minds. That freaks me out. But why?

Crazy people see, hear, and feel things that are not there, that are not real. Freaky again. But why?

Crazy people see, hear and feel things that I cannot see, hear or feel. Now we're getting somewhere. It bothers me that they experience things that I don't. Why does that bother me?

If I can't see it, I can't stop it. Ah, getting even farther! But what they see doesn't bother me, so why should I care that I can't see it? I'm not this amazing person who only wants to see imaginary things to help the person.

Back to the people not being able to control their own minds. No matter how much I DO NOT see what they see, crazy people still see/hear/feel things that aren't there, and I cannot convince them otherwise. Big AH-HA moment.

What is so terrifying to me about crazy people?

I cannot persuade crazy people.

Yeah. Wow.

I feel like I can usually convince people of what I want, but crazy people don't appeal to reason, to logic. Reason, truth, and logic mean nothing to them. They believe what they see, and I can't see what they see, so I can't use it to persuade them.

Basically, it circles back to Control. I like control. When I'm not in control, I freak out. I can't persuade (control) crazy people, and it scares me.

I can't control when I lose people. That scares me.
I can't control disease. That scares me.
I can't control change. That scares me.

When it all comes down to it, my life is just about control. Either I have it, and I'm using it, or I don't have it, and I'm trying to gain it.

I believe this is why I have such a hard time with my faith. God is in control, not me, and that's hard for me.

What is your life all about? As complex as people are, I'm beginning to think that deep down, we're simpler than I thought.

2 comments:

GracieTheFirst said...

I understand the thing about people with mental problems. Honestly, I used to be just like that.
What changed?
its a long story, but you said you like long comments, so yeah.

I was going to one of our homeschool proms, I think Ellie B. and Gabby were there. But anyway, I was having a fun time just kinda watching everyone have fun. And then something caught my eye. I had been introduced to this guy earlier. He was mental crazy. But anyway, this guy walked up to a few of my friends and asked them to dance. They freaked out, honestly screamed and ran in the other directions. If you had seen the hurt that had taken over his face, it would have broke your heart. It did mine. So I swallowed. Really really hard and walked over to him and asked him to dance.
You could see his face light up. I had to spend the rest of the evening with him yes, that was kinda unnerving. But I was like, Hey. My good deed for the day. Pat me on the back.
About a week later I was still satisfied with my good deed, when I went and checked the mail.
There was a letter to me from his mother. You see, this person was really 17 years old. But he thought he was just a little kid. Anwyay, his mom had written me a letter telling me that she appreciated it so much. Everyone else had run and screamed at Brandon, but I didn't. She said that I was one of the only people who wasn't scared of me. *pang*
I felt. like. crap.

I wrote his mother back, telling her that I too was scared of her son. Haunted by my hypocrisy for the next few weeks that it took her to reply. I checked the mail each day.
Finally I got a letter. But this time it was from Brandon, not her. He wrote that he was sad that he scared me. And he wanted to make it up to me. Later, I recieved a little bag of M&M's from him. He asked me if that would make up for it.
My heart seriously broke this time.
and then the next thing I knew, I was vollunteering with a friend at a collage for mentally challenged people.
Now, whenever I see someone mentally challenged my heart reaches out to them, God erased my fear.

Everyone can overcome fear, it takes time. But now that you've seen my mile long post- just remember that they aren't any different than us. They are people with feelings that can be hurt. There's absolutely nothing to be scared of. :)

Kʀɛѵɑɳ said...

wow gracie that was really nice... I don't see myself doing the same thing, honestly...

and I seriously admire you, kendra... being able to reason like that and reach your conclusion in a matter like this one...
it makes sense ^_^

I think you should do what you want. what I want is to read your posts, it doesn't matter if I know what's comming or not